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PSA: Tips to Meeting People Online

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Now I wouldn’t call myself a subject matter expert on meeting people online but I do have a fair amount of friends or acquaintances that are friends or acquaintances because of twitter, instagram, this blog, maybe snapchat and other social media spaces. Fun fact, I once “dated” a girl online for almost 2 years if my memory serves well without ever meeting her. This was in the days of yahoo messenger and myspace before I ever had a Facebook account. I was in Nigeria, she was in the US. We bonded over our mutual love for Eminem. Yes he of Marshall Mather LP. Great rapper but I think I stopped paying attention after Slim Shady Show. I eventually came to the US within this time but we never got to meet. Don’t judge! I was 16, finished secondary school and was bored at home. The cybercafe was my friend and I was applying for colleges.

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Dear APC/PDP Voltrons on Social Media

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Dear Die Hard APC and PDP People who sit on social media (especially twitter) and bully the rest of us when we try to express our somewhat neutral and objective views and who refuse to listen to reason,
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The Layman’s Guide to being an Stool/Armchair Revolutionary in Nigeria

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Baba Fela

This post came about while I was having a Nas marathon on my laptop while tweeting and reading blogs, I was playing Road to Zion by Damian Marley featuring Nas. There was a line that went thus,

“So save me your sorries, I’m raising an army
Revolutionary warfare with Damian Marley”

Somewhere in the midst of this, it hit me that whatever revolutionary zeal I had for change had been drained out of me. I d say being a news fiend since I ve been back has made me temper what little idealism I had about Nigeria. Its now more cautious idealism. I am now an entrenched armchair revolutionary. Since we don’t really mess with that many armchairs in the Naij, so I figured I must be a stool revolutionary.

What is a stool revolutionary? Basically if you spew all the deep and profound rhetoric about freeing the people and ending poverty while cruising around in your benz and not doing shit to alleviate the suffering of your fellow human being directly then yes you are a Stool Revolutionary. Its not necessarily a bad thing, sometime you inspire the real revolutionaries to do some real ish to free the people! Also since Uncle Bob Marley said we should emancipate ourselves from mental slavery, you are probably helping the people with the mental slavery bit. Cos you all metaphysical and deep like that. Mumu.

So you probably have a pen and paper and wanna take notes on how to become a stool revolutionary, here we go

Own a twitter account and say really deep shit – Share as many deep and philosophical quotes as you can on twitter and facebook. Uplift the people with your meaningful words, quotes, poems and government criticisms because real freedom will start from twitter and facebook.

Own a blog and constantly criticize the government, never suggest solutions or make attempt to get solutions to the right channels

Read all the newspapers and publications and be a walking encyclopedia of Nigerian politics and policy

Sit around with your friends and when you are drinking beer shout while talking about politics

Complain about everything in the country – This is when a waiter working in Mr Biggs didn’t properly warm your rice; you go off about how everything is bad in Nigeria. When someone drives recklessly on the streets of mushin, you say bloody Nigerians forgetting you are a Nigerian.

Think everything is better abroad – You think even the air is better abroad. The oyibo shit smells like lavender. Nah dude, it smells like poo poo by Calvin Klein.

When an opportunity to protest is available, you sit in your house and support the protest “in the spirit” – Peep the video below

When you organize event, invite enough celebrity who only care about your cause to increase their popularity and lose focus of the issue at hand by partying hard.

Combine your revolutionary rhetoric with a distrust of certain tribes and or religion – In reality this makes you less of a revolutionary but a passionate bigot. A true revolutionary is interested in the freedom of all oppressed people

Make sure all your forums/conferences about “freeing” the country only have people from your section of the country, the rest of us are “illiterates”

Anyone who doesnt agree with your views exactly is an idiot

If in a place of work where corruption is rife, either take part in it or shut up and be complacent about it, never protest or stand up for truth or honesty.

Take back your words when your words put you under real threat – If you get arrested by SSS, you stop talking and speaking the truth. All it takes to shut you up is a bunch of rent-a-cops, not even real police.

You only criticize the government, you never want to criticize other institutions – You see the government as an entity that is the root of all problems in Nigeria. Of course we the people have no fault, the people in government must not be people.

When all is said an done, if offered a juicy position in government you take it and stop your criticism.

I m sure my list is definitely not exhaustive, Bet you can think up some guidelines to Stool Revolution (That sounds like a bad case of diarrhea, Stool Revolution, lol)

I leave you with Soul is Heavy by Nneka (This lady speaks truth)