Runs Girls

Fantastic Baes and Where to Find Them Vol 1

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Welcome to the Magical World of Baes

What if I told you that I have discovered and formulated the grand unified theory of baes, an algorithm for finding the one you were destined to be with? Now the question of whether the concept of the one is tenable is another thesis. Would you give me the nobel prize for physics? Bae-ology? Would you call me raving mad? I believe for many it would be the latter and you would be right. As far as I know, there is no grand unified theory for finding bae except what I believe is my hypothesis that love alone is not enough. I have searched for bae, thought I found her, dated her, lost her mostly because I am a high functioning sociopath who cant have good things and be satisfied (read: asshole, also guess the tv show reference), at this point I am open to an arranged marriage with contractual stipulations (jk, or am I?) Before I continue, obviously I am a potter head and yes I came up with this after watching the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them movie, always thought I was Slytherin but Alas Pottermore says I am Gryffindor! What a long pre-amble! I shall dive in shortly (have to put on my swimming trunks else you don’t want to be looking at my lil pee pee now would you?).

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Behind Every Successful Nigerian/African Woman is….A man?

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a northern nigerian woman

So the other day, I was in a taxi. Since having a crash in the family coupe, this has been my major means of getting around. In other words, I don’t get around much being a man who leaves the house on leisurely drives and in the midst of this drive I decide to drop in on a friend or two. Taxis don’t provide that luxury. On the crash, I might write about it someday maybe soon, I am not traumatized in the least bit. However, I am amazed at how ungrateful to the Deus Ex Machina that must have been in play to aid and abet my surviving the potentially fatal situation unscathed. I should be reborn in spirit, perhaps I am and don’t know it yet. Back to the topic at hand, So I was in the aforementioned taxi and we were at a junction. We had been beckoned to cross the junction and it seemed the driver in the vehicle ahead of us was driving so gingerly and slowly that we were in danger of crashing into the car. Can you believe my luck? I was thinking myself, oh not again. The taxi driver on his part in typical Nigerian fashion rained down some insults on the yet unknown driver,

“Useless driver, some people think na them get road, tell am to put L for their car they no go gree, tschewwww. God punish devil!”

So to avoid driving head long into the back of the car in front of us, we decide to swerve and overtake the car for the purpose I just mentioned and also so we can get a look at the driver, deliver a well-rehearsed scowl and wind down our windows to deliver some insults and hand gestures in typical Nigerian fashion. We are a nation of road ragers if you ask me; everyone is driving at almost boiling point. The courteous driver like the courteous Nigerian who does not make use of “gra gra” is left behind and progresses slowly. So we roll up to the side of the driver and as we are about to deliver our insults and so on, we both discover that a woman is behind the wheel. The taxi driver instantly calms down and speeds off ahead of her before I can deliver my insult or admire the fine babe if indeed she was fine and give my world famous smile (self-delusion, let me be). As we speed off, he explains to me in the midst of my protestation and discussion of the situation that “Na woman o, they no sabi drive” implying that women are naturally pre-disposed to poor driving.

Before I continue, I am no feminist or woman’s right activist. However, I do try my best to accord women the same respect and in the situation above derision I would give a man. This is what my liberal arts education and sojourn in obodo oyibo has taught me. Besides, I can say this confidently, my mother is one of the best drivers I know with proven credentials of almost a decade in Lagos and another in Abuja with its autobahn like roads that has almost everybody in a rush to meet their maker. Driving is just one area where women are discriminated against if that is the right word. I remember as a kid when the pastor gave an edict to husbands that they should not allow their wives to drive cross state or long distance and when one of our church members died in a ghastly car accident it was murmured that her disobedience of this edict and supposedly biblical principle was the cause. My comment? None. Not touching that with a 10 mile pole.

Growing up I always noticed a marked difference in the way I was treated as a boy and my female family members. You see it would seem from an outsider’s standpoint that from the time girls are old enough they are being groomed for marriage in our society. A typical refrain heard spoken to girls who are lazy about kitchen work is, “Is this how you will do in your husband’s house?” Girls are taught how to cook and do kitchen chores and boys are taught to do “manly” things like fix light bulbs, put on the generator, wash the car, cut the grass where necessary and lift heavy things. I for one was a marked introvert and actually enjoyed sitting at home and watching my mum cook. That my friends is the story of how I learnt how to cook, that watching cooking shows and occasionally messing around with ingredients on my own as an only child back then. Anyway, that we have a generation of young women running around from church to church and looking to get married is not fault of theirs. Our society has bred many of these ladies from they were wee for marriage, it has been the mantra repeated at them time and again. Marriage is the apparent end all of a woman according to our society.

This not to say our society has not progressed. Indeed it has gone a long way from the ages when girls were not allowed to go to school and so forth. Heck, on my mother’s side almost all the women are educated. Weirdly, it was some of my uncles who refused to finish their education and alas the women have become the bedrock of my late grandfather’s home. God bless his soul. You see if he was as myopic as some people of his time, he would not have sent my mother to the university where she met my father and I might never have been at least in the form and spirit I am today. I would have remained a potential in the cosmos and chilling with the spirits of the unborn philosophers and physicists. In current society, some families even though they let their daughters get educated still hesitate to fully splurge on the female child when it comes to education. They don’t see the need for the female to get a graduate/post graduate degree because by the time she finishes she might be “too old” for marriage. Hence in some situations a bargain is struck, the young lady gets married before proceeding for her PhD and the new husband supposedly takes care of the rest of the bills.

You see if there is a glass ceiling to women’s advancement in our society it is that of perception by others. You see a lot of times when people see a successful woman the first question they ask over here is, “who is her husband?” It does not occur to them to think that this woman could have worked hard and progressed in her career all by herself without the help of her husband. Yes she might be married but besides emotional and moral support, the husband might have had nothing to do with where she is today. This mentality is apparent in the rumor mills that go around. We have had rumors that a speaker of the house of representative was the concubine of our former president. There are stories of current female ministers being mistresses of the president. These kinds of rumors diminish from whatever achievements these women have made. It seems that behind the story of many “big girls” our sobriquet for society and wealthy young ladies is a rumor of her having offered the diamond in the midst of her ruff to some wealthy chief or Alhaji and in return he gave her a few million to start her business or bought her a shop, a palatial mansion in the choice areas of Maitama in Abuja, Lekki/VI/Ikoyi in Lagos or the GRA in Port Harcourt. The stories of runs girls and their antics are well documented. It seems that this mentality has equally sipped into the minds of some of our women that you see intelligent young women trying to ‘con’ young men or aristos out of money to get ahead. This I call Maga mentality. Perhaps I shall write about that soon as well.

Some young men of our generation do not even honor the opinions of young women; they simply brush them aside as thoughts of a woman. When having a heated conversation with a lady about politics I have seen many men of lesser wits who when losing the argument do not want to concede defeat or that they might have been wrong and simply say, “What do you know?” I fear some these young men have been brought up under the “Woman submit to your husband” mantra and have not come to realize that the opinions of all human beings are valid and should be given equal treatment based on their merits and demerits and not on the source. A civilized conversation should be just that civilized. Before you jump on my earlier comment about obodo oyibo, I know men in obodo oyibo who went to Harvard and the schools of strong repute who still have this attitude. Their egos won’t let them lose to a woman. This might stem from a time in primary school or secondary school when they came second to a girl and were derided at home for coming second to a girl. Thankfully, I never suffered such derision as I have been the recipient of many an academic beating at the hands of the fairer sex whilst growing up. My parents just encouraged me to do better. Another thing that is really serious is wife beating and maltreatment of women. That is just awful.

It is a shame that our society does not fully appreciate the woman as a person. Do they not know that degrading and insulting women is as though you are insulting or degrading yourself. We are all born of women; there is no man alive that was given birth to by some form of Immaculate Conception. If you were then please go ahead and discriminate and deride women as much as you want. As for me, I appreciate the women in my life. I appreciate my mother and my sister and the plethora of female cousins I have. I would not want them to grow up or live in a world that limits their accomplishments.

Do women really get a bad rap in our society? Where does equality start and chivalry begin? Have you witnessed blatant discrimination? What do you think about the plight of women in our society today? Is it improving? How do you deal with it? How can we make it better for our born and yet unborn daughters?

So Behind every successful woman is……?

Much ado about Runs Girls and Nollywood

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If know me, you would notice that I have a love/hate relationship with Nollywood. Nollywod is the name for the Nigerian Movie Industry. It is apparently the third largest movie industry in the world, right behind Bollywood and Hollywood. I criticize it a lot, make fun of it as well but I am proud that my country has such a flourishing and actually profitable movie industry. My relationship with nollywood hasn’t always being the greatest. When I was growing up, I was so scared of Nollywood movies. You know the type, “Living in Bondage, Nneka the beauty serpent, Karashika, Blood Money, Agbaranla (Yoruba Movie were the chick would say Aya Matanga)”, to mention a few. You could think of a few right now in your head actually. The weirdest thing is that since I was a kid, I didn’t care much for Nigerian movies but I would sit down and watch it if a family member or friend bought it. Not that I m proud that I have never contributed monetarily to Nollywood, I m just saying. I believe Nollywood progressed from the ritualistic movies with “To God be the glory” at the end (After scaring the living daylights out of me, tschew carry go) to the Love phase of Nigerian movies (This was when almost every Nigerian movie had love in the title), now it’s an amalgam of different themes. You have the ritualistic movies, the love movies, campus movies, comedy and so on. Action is yet to have a strong foothold sadly. The closest thing to Bruce Willis is Sam Dede. I love the comedies though, with Osuofia and co. Okay, it is evident I can talk about Nollywood for days. Todays post is about Runs Girls in Nollywood.

Now, if you have paid attention to Nigerian movies of recent (This might actually be a 5 year span). You would notice that there are a plethora of movies with the Runs Girls theme. In case you didn’t know what a Runs Girl is,

A Runs Girl is a creature that through natural selection has evolved a means to survive and in the Darwinian mold has adopted a lifestyle that entails satisfying the segsy time needs of the male of the species in return for material things. This creature/girl is very similar to an Escort in the sense that even when there is no segsy time involved, the girl is paid or compensated for her time. She could also give the GF experience and act like your GF as long as the money/payment in kind is pouring in.

Due to the fact that I share a room with my cousin who is addicted to watching Nigerian Movies, I have been subjected to movie after movie of Tontoh Dike, Uche Jombo, Ini Edo, etc set in one campus or the other, acting as university babes that only date guys that drive so and so car or sleep with this or that Alhaji because he gives them so much money. Don’t sit there and pretend you haven’t seen the million and one Nigerian movies where women exchange sexual favors or date men for material reward. You have movies where ladies are engaging in inappropriate relationships with lecturers for grades. You also have movies where women marry men so that they can “chop” money. I m not salty at all o. Wetin consign me with Tonto? Get your money boo boo. I honestly wouldn’t want any female friend of mine dating a broke ninja. That is not a good look.

On the flip side, the movies always portray the men as olodos or dopemus. They fall for such obvious game, it’s a shame to manhood. In some Nigerian movies, after the man has gotten his money from his rituals the next scene that is shown is him picking babes. Ashewo dey run belle o! He uses his wealth to get runs girls or ashewos, same thing no difference in my books. One does it for the cash, the other for cash as well and maybe an apartment in Lekki while she pretends to be your girlfriend. Even in the comedy movies, you see men trying to persuade the young lady who is selling groundnut with some money or you will have the “big geh” that will be scammed by the funny man (picture Mr Ibu) and she will follow him like a fly to shit until she realizes that he doesn’t have any money (that’s the punchline).

Why am I even talking about this? I just feel that the emphasis on runs girls and the big girl syndrome that emphasizes that for a woman to make it big she has to have sold herself for material possessions is a very poor look for us in this country. Is it that we don’t value our women that we decide to portray them in such light consistently? Forget runs girls, when you were growing up weren’t many of the witches, evil spirits and so on in Nigerian movies, female? I m not a feminist o but I just feel that there are a lot of positive female storylines out there that do not involve women selling themselves for money.

What do you think? Am I exaggerating? Is there a more positive way to portray our women in Nollywood? (I know the movie industry is improving, I have seen it, but should we still be subjected to things such as Blackberry Babes?). Discuss.

Silly video below, I m ashamed for the guy.

The Konji Principle

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First of all to understand what the Konji principle is you have to understand what Konji is. Konji (sp?) is a Nigerian slang that basically describes a drought of sexual satisfaction. In other words, your pistol is loaded., your jibby hasn’t been serviced, your black snake hasn’t moaned, your valve is under pressure etc. Take your pick of a suitable euphemism. You have? Okay insert it appropriately.

If you have read this blog, you might see that I m pretty political most of the time but you know what today I said fudge it, I m going to write about Konji. Strokes appropriately. Also, with all the bombing and flooding going on, it is a pretty bleak time for us in Nigeria so I figured I would do something different. As the great observer I am, I feel that since I am yet to find and define the unified field theory (basically a theory that explains everything in physics/the universe), It is my duty to contribute something to humanity hence the Konji Principle.

What is the Konji Principle? The Konji Principle states that

“For every male heterosexual experiencing a protracted period of drought, better known as konji his judgement lapses and as a result he is susceptible to the charms of any wowo (not so hot) babe and is likely to act in ways detrimental to his physical, mental and emotional well being.”

This principle is similar to hooke’s law of elasticity. For those unfamiliar with Hookes Law, I ll try remember. I believe hookes law states that for a spring within its elastic limit the deformation of the spring is proportional to the force applied on the spring or something like that. If we bring this to the Konji Principle, I believe there is a Konji limit. The Konji Limit is the amount of Konji one can endure before one lowers his standards and thought patterns as it regards the other sex or sex he finds attractive (homosexuals?). Basically it is how long you can go without sex. The factors that determine this Konji limit could be personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature, cultural norms etc. Sorry if I m framing most of my definitions from a male angle, I don’t know the female equivalent or if they function the same way, More study is needed.

What brought the whole Konji thing to my attention? I am going to say HIV/AIDs statistics and the prevalence of ashewos/runs girls in our society. Notice how I put ashewos and runs girls in the same category. For the Nigerianly uneducated ashewos are what you call hookers, I believe it’s a Yoruba word actually maybe not cos Owo is Yoruba. In hausa we call them karuwai. Runs girls on the other hands are basically hookers who give the girlfriend experience, they go out/sleep with men for money or gifts or apartments etc while also keeping other guys (the theme of many Nigerian movies starring Tonto Dike). To be gender balanced, there are male ashewos. If you poke your stick in anything that moves you qualify. If you are a guy or girl and this is your thing, no shame in your game. Own it. After all some of these people have reasons why they engage in such “activities”.

The factors I mentioned earlier such as personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature and cultural norms help in curtailing the harmful effects of konji. On the flip sides there are things that accelerate konji such as alcohol, weed etc You are probably thinking, what are the harmful effects of konji? Well if we rephrase my analogy with hooke’s law a bit you will notice that there is an elastic limit and eventually there is a breaking point. Lets take it that beyond the elastic limit, men will engage in excessive masturbation and might still be a little guarded about their sexual escapades. Eventually like in a spring too much deformation leads to a yield point which is a point where small deformation results in large displacement of the spring. In our konji analogy, this is a point where the man moves from excessive masturbation to somewhat indiscriminate sexual activities. Beyond the yield point is the breaking point. It is at this breaking point that he beds anything that moves with no thought of the repercussions. Unfortunately for him there are repercussions.

The harmful side of the Konji Principle is that it could lead to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, low self esteem, getting with people far below your standard (whatever that is), Herpes, the clap, HIV/AIDS, disappointing God/Allah (if you are religious that way), go to hell, get reincarnated as a cockroach, disappointing yourself and loved ones amongst other side effects. All in all, Konji na bastard. If you must kpansh/straf (Nigerian word for doing the horizontal bedroom dance) use a jibby cover (condom), otherwise practice abstinence (konji management through zen principles). See what I did there, you thought this was going to be an ignorant post, bet some of you didn’t even read through to the end to see that it was actually a safety warning to people practicing sexual polygamy.

There is a bible quote that says, “As a man thinketh so shall he be”. Konji is all in your head or lower head in the case of men, you know what I mean. It is imperative for your physical, sexual, emotional and mental safety that you don’t let Konji be the focal point of your life. Think with your head not your lower head. Cheers.

I leave you with spiritual konji. Go forth and spread the principle!