Fantastic Baes and Where to Find Them Vol 1

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Welcome to the Magical World of Baes

What if I told you that I have discovered and formulated the grand unified theory of baes, an algorithm for finding the one you were destined to be with? Now the question of whether the concept of the one is tenable is another thesis. Would you give me the nobel prize for physics? Bae-ology? Would you call me raving mad? I believe for many it would be the latter and you would be right. As far as I know, there is no grand unified theory for finding bae except what I believe is my hypothesis that love alone is not enough. I have searched for bae, thought I found her, dated her, lost her mostly because I am a high functioning sociopath who cant have good things and be satisfied (read: asshole, also guess the tv show reference), at this point I am open to an arranged marriage with contractual stipulations (jk, or am I?) Before I continue, obviously I am a potter head and yes I came up with this after watching the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them movie, always thought I was Slytherin but Alas Pottermore says I am Gryffindor! What a long pre-amble! I shall dive in shortly (have to put on my swimming trunks else you don’t want to be looking at my lil pee pee now would you?).

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PSA: Tips to Meeting People Online

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Now I wouldn’t call myself a subject matter expert on meeting people online but I do have a fair amount of friends or acquaintances that are friends or acquaintances because of twitter, instagram, this blog, maybe snapchat and other social media spaces. Fun fact, I once “dated” a girl online for almost 2 years if my memory serves well without ever meeting her. This was in the days of yahoo messenger and myspace before I ever had a Facebook account. I was in Nigeria, she was in the US. We bonded over our mutual love for Eminem. Yes he of Marshall Mather LP. Great rapper but I think I stopped paying attention after Slim Shady Show. I eventually came to the US within this time but we never got to meet. Don’t judge! I was 16, finished secondary school and was bored at home. The cybercafe was my friend and I was applying for colleges.

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The Four Horsemen of The Love Eternal

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Happy Valentine’s Weekend, Don’t know if that’s a thing. I trust a lot of people had a great valentine’s day. Guys took their girl or side chick out and if you aren’t in the celibacy gang I bet you got your freak on, had her do that thing with the wax and her fingers you love or you showed her the incredible range of motion that the human tongue can achieve. Either way I trust you had a day and weekend that celebrated love in all its forms. For the guy’s hope you at least sent your mum a happy Valentine ’s Day text! Stop playing, you know she’s the most important woman in your life. How rude of me, How did I spend my valentine’s day? At home doing some work, watched Aladdin and had some drinks all by my lonesome. And before you start feeling pity for me (well if you are an intelligent and beautiful young lady and the pity will make you want to share physical, emotional and intellectual conversations over some crepes and wine then you are allowed), I could have flown to see my pseudo boo, potential boo, or at least my mama but alas mama travelled and I think the last few months have made me lose the urge for the romantic or romantic gestures (I battled with myself whether to send a valentine’s gift or not and thankfully last minute deliveries aren’t Nigeria’s strong suit).

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Be A Better Man Before Happily Ever After

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A while back I wrote a letter to Lady Farouk, If you missed it you can find it here. I have been told by some that she is not real and cannot possibly exist. Well in my defence I believe Lady Farouk is the epitome of the kind of woman I would want to end up with, I know that I would be lucky to find a woman with 60 percent of the attributes I described. Although, I doubt that blog post captured my full list and the fact that I am a pretty flexible person with my sense of what I want in a woman evolving and maturing as I have. Don’t worry I am not going to make another list of the characteristics of Lady Farouk, I believe she knows herself wherever and whoever she is.

I have heard mothers mine included talk about how they want their son to marry a good God fearing young woman who is respectful and is mindful of tradition (the tradition part not necessary the views of Queen Farouk/mi madre) basically mother Theresa who can cook and clean. Every single time I hear this I think to myself, “Does your son deserve to be with a good girl?” Has your son stopped his ashewo/prostituting ways? Has he learnt to control his temper so he doesn’t beat his future wife? Does he respect women? If all the good women married ashewo boys like your son who would marry the good guys? The ashewo women? This is my philosophical quandary.

I think a lot of people talk and emphasize love as the basis of marriage and finding your soulmate and they aren’t wrong. I believe in addition to looking for the one (every time I hear someone say the one, I think of that movie by Jet Li), one has to work on him/herself. You see it doesn’t matter how much you love someone if you aren’t emotionally mature and worked on some of your vices you might as well give up because the relationship might be doomed before it gets off. I am not saying you have to be perfect before you find your soul-mate, I am saying you have to recognize your faults and vices and be willing to work on them as well as taken steps in that direction.

I have had my share of problems. Wandering eyes, passive aggressive behaviour, insecurity, over-thinking and over-analysis, depression, alcohol dependency, sex dependency (konji) amongst others have been problems I have faced and in some cases still battle with. I have been in love in the past and found that things didn’t work out perhaps because I was still battling with some demons and didn’t realize it. I think it took me a while to realize the truth that perhaps I needed to work on myself to become a better man so I can deserve a better woman.

This is going to sound cliché like perhaps the majority of this post has but I sincerely believe that your soulmate is someone who sees you for you are and loves you but also inspires you to be a better person. Being with them makes you want to be a better man, you want to stop being such a man-whore, you want to dress better, be kinder, be less of an asshole. Now there is a difference between someone who inspires you to be better and someone who wants to change you. The latter hardly works out. So dear Lady Farouk if you try to reduce my whiskey diet, me and you will wear one shokoto!

My dear readers, what do you think? Do you need to be ready or prepare yourself before you meet your soulmate? Is love alone ever enough? Are there things you need to work on before you meet the boo? Do you deserve to be with a good person? Does trying to change a person ever work? Love to hear your thoughts

Nice/Shy Guy = No Game? Do nice guys finish last?

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nice guys finish last

I am not a nice guy. The type that finish last sha. *Cue whatever music plays when someone has an epiphany* I did not come to this conclusion by chance, Call it the realization of a person who mistook a patent lack of game for niceness and thought being nice was the reason his affections weren’t requited as often as he gave them. You see I lacked and for all intents of purposes I still lack game, I am a brother with no game. I was voted most likely to get friend zoned in high school. I glory in self deprecation, forgive me.

You see I believe there is this notion that being nice means being a pushover. In the case of relationships and being a nice guy, it means hanging around a lady you clearly have feelings for and not letting her know you have feelings for her (Idiot, clearly she is not a telepath!). It consists of waiting until it is too late to make it known. It consists of not making a move that one time both of you were alone and she had this look of anticipation and yet when you leaned in you gave her the awkward jehovah’s witness hug instead of kissing her like she thought you will. Niceness has been equated to the lacking of balls. It is the veritable home of the dopemu/idiat who does things for ladies without expecting anything in return. Not that we all do things for ladies expecting things in return (did I confuse you here, yeah me too!)

So you’re being nice to a lady, you are listening to her talk about keeping up with the kardashians and how her friends annoy her, you are doing all the gentlemanly things and spending a busload of cash in the process. As much as you think there is a veritable give and take and some type of nice guy karma that comes from doing all that, the mere fact that you are being nice to get laid doesn’t make you nice at all. Actually, bishing about being a nice guy who doesn’t get tail makes you just a big male genital member (1 guess, the word starts with a p) and I say that with all prejudice. Staring at a girl while picturing all the things you want to do to her while naked does not count as game.

I actually wrote this because in the beginning of Sir Farouk, he was a shy introverted mofo with no game. I m still the same in some ways except when a drop of distilled water gets in my system then I m smooth, my coefficient of static and kinetic friction is zero, I got no drag. Anyway, what is my point? Stop being nice? Nah, if you are a genuinely nice person keep doing you, be a gentleman aint nothing wrong with that. I m a nice gentleman type but I m a recovering pushover and gaining my assertiveness. Mix your niceness with some assertiveness, style, wit and just be yourself and you will woo that lady you have been eyeing kapish.

That being said, some people do believe ladies like assholes. I also think especially in a country like Nigeria where people hustle for everything seeming nice might get you taken advantage of. So bobo shine your eye, shine you eye well well. What is your definition of a nice guy? Does he wash your undies? Does niceness come with a slice of no game? So do nice guys finish last?


Who Do You Love? Musing on Love and Such

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Tomorrow is the season to love and be loved. Whatever your take on whether valentine’s day is a conspiracy by the corporations to milk people out of money seeing as there is no consumer holiday to boost spending in February or you subscribe to marking the day as a veneration of the original “St Valentine” or you just see it as a day to milk as much money from that bf/gf, sugar daddy/mummy, friend zoned individual trying to get in your panties or trying to get them off, or just plain old maga what is undoubtedly true about the 14th of February is that it is a day to show love and be loved and it is a day that highlights what the conception of love is in our society. Here you can insert the obligatory bitching about how materialistic love has become in our society especially Nigeria. *Shrug*. I have tired of talking about it, plus its not that bad if you are not stingy and you know the object of your affection actually likes you and is not using you for your money. It’s also not bad if you recognize the materialistic con and just don’t give a hoot, you just want to use her as much as she is using you. Basically, you’re willing to pay the cost to satisfy your konji. Also helps if you are wealthier than the average dude on the street.

Maybe it’s the fact that today is ash Wednesday and the beginning of lent (Shall I stop being a sinful empty soul? No, not really but I will try to be and do better), I have been quite reflective and the meaning of love and who do I love. I will confess that its been a while since I ve been in love in the Hollywood sense of the word, you know those butterflies in the stomach, cant stop thinking about you type of love. Yeah I actually generally try not to get to that stage of passionate obsessive love because I can be so irrational in such a state. I have had strong feelings for the opposite sex and what I thought was strong chemistry that led me to fall in love with the idea of someone. I tend to fall in love with ideas a lot. Intellectual, beautiful young lady who I have great conversation and share similar thinking patterns with or who challenges me to learn something new instantly captures my attention, she is like my kryptonite. I will fall in love with the idea of her or the soft spoken muse who seems to be mystery hiding a passionate and freakish nature that I would love to discover or just a young lady I have admired from a far for a while. I believe in some way, I kind of love all these people to varying degrees. Of course there is the, sex is so great you blurt out I love you types. No? Not cool? Psssh. Or the motherly type who you are drawn to by her powers of caregiving. I don’t know, when it comes to romantic love, I am often reminded by friends that I don’t seem to have a type and the key to finding that love of a lifetime will be identifying my type.

Then there is the love I am absolutely sure of, the love I can bet anything on. Yes I know the religious ones amongst us are thinking the love of God. Yes that is indeed true but I am talking about the love of my family. The love of my parents, siblings, cousins, aunties, uncles and so on. Anytime I feel lonely the thought of having such a wonderful family and extended family keeps me sane and grounded. Like really, I do have an awesome family. Yeah I m bragging. Sometimes I wonder where I get some of my insecurities from, it might be a byproduct of too much love and it makes me clingy at times.

Anyway, what am I doing on valentine’s day? I am gonna call my mother and father and make sure the old man is doing something for her or taking her out. I will tell them I love them and then call or message all my lady friends and family who are special to me and wish them a happy valentine’s day. As for the romantic date, gift and so on that happen during valentine’s day, I do not have any plan for the day as I m busy as hell. Shrug.

So who do I love? It seems I love my family, friends and blog readers *wink wink*. It does seem that I forgot someone important to love, myself. You cant give what you don’t have. I m working on loving myself, aren’t we all? Happy Valentine’s day everybody. Who do you love? What do you think love is? Do you celebrate valentine’s day? What do you think of the day and celebration in general

2012: The Year the World Didnt End, Bring on 2013!

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The End of the world
2012: The Year the world didn’t end, 2013: Your Year of…*Insert Pentecostal babble here*

Ladies, Gentlemen and other not so cultured people of the reading public, it’s your favorite or not so favorite fair weather blogger and friendly neighborhood pseudo-writer (Let me indulge myself), Alhaji Saint Sir Farouk the First of Gwara-gwara land and Prince of Zamunda. I know that this time of the year is one of somber reflection and a time to make resolutions and whatnot. I personally prefer to do my Alingo, Azonto and Komole as I gather my thoughts.

If you are reading this, you survived the end of the world or at least the end of the world according to the Mayans.
So Yay you, bring out a bottle of cheap beer or ale and pop in celebration. Clap for yourself, do the hokey pokey and shake your bum bum (cue aptly named Timaya track). 2012 is over. We are now in 2013. I am sure by now you have been inundated with text messages, bbm broadcast, twitter and whatsapp messages as well as phone calls from friends, family, acquaintances and people you barely know. Did I mention also from sketchy hookups of 2012? Yeah, them too. They have no doubt chosen to compose an elaborate Happy New Year’s message in the typical Nigerian fashion that goes like “Happy New Year blah blah, God will grant you blah blah in 2013, joy (I prefer irish spring soap), peace (not piss you big freak!) and blah blah shall never depart from you. 2013 will be your year of *insert appropriate Pentecostal babble here*…” or something of the sort.

That being said and on a quite serious note (think sitting on the toilet trying to squeeze out some constipated waste type of serious), I am thankful for being able to successfully see through the year 2012. 2012 was a good year in many respects. It was the year I got a job. Your boy is no longer a bum. Can I get an Amen or a High five? Both equally symbolic. It was a year I had a stable and peaceful relationship, at least up until May when Le break happened. It was the year I moved back to my beloved Nigeria for what seems to be for good (National anthem plays in the background). It was a year a made quite a number of friends on the internet, in the blogging world, twitter and online dating (yea I have been on some of those sites). It was also the year I had a few pseudo-relationships online and flirtations with people I am yet to meet especially on twitter. It was a year I reconnected with my ex from the longest relationship I have ever had and realized that I still have a thing for every girl I have ever dated but especially this one. In some universe, it would have worked (Drake mode).

It was a year where I got a little bit of more leeway from my parents (still get treated like a kid though but its improving). It was a year that I was somewhat quite religious in the summer then fell off subsequently (Jesus take the wheel!). 2012 was the year where I did the most exercise (picture me jogging and going to the gym) and actually kind of became a fitness freak. In 2012, Konji was at an all-time low and might have been my best year in that department since college. (TMI? Man-whore? Hug transformer). Lastly, In 2012 I survived about 2 situations (that I can remember) that could have led to death (Do I hear you say I have 7 lives left, here’s to not dying in 2013), well for that I thank the big man above, baba God noni.

As for my plans for 2013, I plan to stop procrastinating like a mofo. In 2013 I hope to be a man of action. I need to stop overthinking life and just do things. In 2013, I will work to see my ideas become reality. In 2013, I will be a better friend and keep in touch with people especially family. I plan to workout more in 2013, operation 007 body is in full effect. I plan to moderate my drinking more and my diet. In 2013, I will be a better lover. I will also work to stop being so awkward all the damn time, stop being passive aggressive and learn to say when I’m grieved instead of keeping it all bottled up. In 2013, I hope to have a better relationship with and understanding of God. I will work harder at life and stop trying to coast on whatever innate knowledge I have. I will grow my wealth in 2013. I will mature as a person. 2013 is the year I start a more serious search for the one, I will find my Queen to be in 2013. :), Did I mention I will continue to write!

So that’s it from me folks. Happy New Year!!! I love you all. I wish you only the best in the coming year. So I shared the highlights of my 2012 and what I hope to achieve in 2013. I would love for the bold ones amongst us to share what their 2012 was like and what they hope to achieve in the coming year.

A dap for the guys and a hug for the ladies (frontal please!) from me. See you in the comments!