I am Legion

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courtesy: jarofquotes.com

I can say I haven’t written any of my lame poetry in almost a half a decade. I don’t know the rules of writing them, sometimes you just need to release and this used to be my release. I feel conflicted and a bit mentally congested these days. This manifests itself in me lashing out, losing interests in the things and people I love and all sorts of insecure and confused behavior. For this and to those I have hurt on my journey of life, I am sorry. The title of this combination of words is I am Legion. Enjoy.

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The One on Washing, Flattery and Related Crimes

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Nigerian women washing

It could be said that the road to a girl’s heart is paved with flattery. Not necessarily of the obvious kind. Definitely subtle flattery with a little sprinkling of over the top flattery that is so over the top that it makes her smile. You know what I am talking about, Yes you. If you stop a random girl and address her “Nubian Empress” you stand accused of ten counts of flattery, 7 counts of being a corny human being and 1 count of “Washing.” What is Washing?

Glad you asked,

Washing is the art of flattery or engaging in exaggerations to soothe another person’s ego. it’s the art of being so far up someone’s arse that you come up for air through their mouth. It is a slang used by the Nigerian youth to describe obsequious groveling and force feeding the shrew so to say that occurs in the dynamics of social interactions. Washing is not restricted to interaction between people of opposite genders. Men often wash other men, calling them “oga”, “chairman” or saying to them, “anything for boys?” when they can see that the man brought a girl with him to the movies and is trying to conserve every naira he has so the money does not run out. Women wash other women daily; they tell their not so pretty friends, “you are beautiful”, “you are the cat’s meow”, or in the case of obviously promiscuous/belligerent ladies or ladies of poor characters who just broke up with their bfs “he was lucky to have you”, “he did not deserve you”, “you ll be snapped up by an eligible bachelor in no time” As my people say when they begin to tell folk tales, Story story, story! Once upon a time?! Time time!

You see I have been called a notorious washer, indeed when I get in the groove of things, I will call you my morning and evening star, I will tell you that you are the sun around which my planet revolves, you possess the gravitational force of character, beauty, poise and elegance that keeps my body, mind and soul forever in your orbit. Yes I am quite the corny fellow in print at least, I m not sure I can say some of these things to a lady with a straight face although I think I m learning. In general, I believe there are five things that are behind washing in particular as it relates to opposite sex diplomacy,

a) A need to gain the attention of the subject of your affection.

You see sometimes the key component of a pickup line is the compliment you pay the lady in question. This could either way in my opinion and in reality there is no absolute and universal rule that works all the time in every situation with every lady. Always gauge the temperament and disposition of the lady before you walk to her and say, “Oh my God! Are you hurt? That must have been quite a nasty fall” and she says, “What fall?” and you reply being the lovable idiot you are, “Your fall from heaven ma cher, the angels must really be missing you.” In some ridiculous works of fiction, instantly the girl’s panties get wet and the next scene they are both engaging in the vertical mambo. The corny compliment generally works when a) you have observed that girl might be receptive, generally a smile in your direction is a universal beacon for potential washing. However do not mistake being receptive with already being in there so to say. Being receptive opens the door to the initial exchange of which washing, flattery and corny pickup lines could be a part. My advice, keep the washing session and corny pick up lines to the very beginning of the exchange, if she does not laugh at your corny ass, take the direct approach and strike up a regular convo, make use of some self-deprecation (not too much though) if necessary and it is potentially on. (The preceding advice on picking up ladies is a registered trademark of Zamunda Industries, all theories and principles espoused are not 100% tested on the Nigerian species and as a result the company is not liable for all slaps, knocks, humiliation faced from the Nigerian lady).

b) You just want to give the person a compliment or appreciate them

Sometimes a wash can be used as a tool to boost your friend’s self-esteem and as a source of encouragement. In certain religious circles, a wash can be called a declaration of faith. It is when you see a friend that is just starting a business and you tell the person that he shouldn’t give up because tomorrow he could be the next Dangote. You obviously are not speaking from any tangible evidence going by the ramshackle shop he/she is currently occupying. You are speaking from the belief in an unforeseen series of fortunate events you can possibly see happening with perhaps a 1% chance. You well timed wash might be the only kind word of encouragement your friend has received since he/she left their salaried job and decided to become an entrepreneur.

c) You are seriously deluded guy/girl who believes that someone is indeed your morning and evening star

This goes out to people suffering from a delusion of romance brought about by watching way too many romantic comedies. It is a mental condition brought about by years and years of reading romance novels. Although in some cases it is innate or genetic. It is called lovingitis. I believe I suffer from the innate strand of being a sucker for love, romantic sap and all round easily falls in love guy. It is this particular mental malfunction that leads someone to believe that they cannot and will not live without a certain object of their affection by their side. This kind of passionate and intense feeling for another human whether it is requited or not leads to a flood of compliments and romantic gestures breaking forth from the dam of your heart. I have been here many times, mostly on the unrequited front and I can confidently say that 50% of any poetry I have ever written was inspired by such overwhelming feelings of love, romance, lust or attraction. I was the guy that sent awkward poems to girls when I was younger. Exhibit A

“….Empress divine
Grapes of beauty drip from your sweet vine
You are indeed a sip of glorious wine
Wine I would love to make mine…” – Corny 101

See what I m talking about, if you call a lady the only sugar in your tea, the only butter on your bread, the only peppersoup to your beer, the water to your rain, the only cockroach in your cupboard, the only fly to your shit and so on.

d) You are just trying to get into her pants

See a) and c), In some instances I guess that could work especially if the lady in question has no game or already kind of likes you. The phenomenon of washing can either get you there or gas up the head of the lady in question so much that when you try to get into the pants all you find is air.

e) You are trying to soothe their egos

Sometimes when you fight with someone and you are trying to get back in their good graces. A well placed and timed wash every now and then would help the situation. When you fight with your madam it does not hurt to tell her she is the best thing that ever happened you when clearly the best thing to ever happen to you is getting born again (church swag), getting that high paying job (oil money, oil washes a multitude of sins no be so?)

(These guys saying they saw the star, the moons, the mountains and even heaven when they made love to her, na wash!)

So folks, have you been washed recently? How did it feel? Why do you think people love to engage in flattery? What are the benefits of washing? How would you like to be washed (obviously you can be hand washed, machine washed or dry cleaned)? What is your opinion of pick up lines, compliments and washing in general? And last but not least, are you washed in the blood of the lamb?!