I am Legion

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I can say I haven’t written any of my lame poetry in almost a half a decade. I don’t know the rules of writing them, sometimes you just need to release and this used to be my release. I feel conflicted and a bit mentally congested these days. This manifests itself in me lashing out, losing interests in the things and people I love and all sorts of insecure and confused behavior. For this and to those I have hurt on my journey of life, I am sorry. The title of this combination of words is I am Legion. Enjoy.

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The Mystery of Love Wan-Tin-Tin

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*Insert statutory apology for the length of time since I last wrote* Did you miss me? I missed you all as well. Wish I could promise to write more but I can’t, my writing is as the spirit leads and the spirit has led me to stop writing poetry which seems sad. I need to resurrect that. I have been in the midst of some changes in my life. I have also had a lot to think about in regards to what is going on in Nigeria and how it makes me sad especially for those growing up in this climate of fear brought about by our friends/enemies who shall not be named. Of course as a young man who is quarter to grown up I have also been thinking about the future, love and many related manners. Call it the quarter life crisis of a once upon awkward nerd who discovered romantic love and is searching for that love of a lifetime and wondering if he found it already and left it.

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The Four Horsemen of The Love Eternal

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Happy Valentine’s Weekend, Don’t know if that’s a thing. I trust a lot of people had a great valentine’s day. Guys took their girl or side chick out and if you aren’t in the celibacy gang I bet you got your freak on, had her do that thing with the wax and her fingers you love or you showed her the incredible range of motion that the human tongue can achieve. Either way I trust you had a day and weekend that celebrated love in all its forms. For the guy’s hope you at least sent your mum a happy Valentine ’s Day text! Stop playing, you know she’s the most important woman in your life. How rude of me, How did I spend my valentine’s day? At home doing some work, watched Aladdin and had some drinks all by my lonesome. And before you start feeling pity for me (well if you are an intelligent and beautiful young lady and the pity will make you want to share physical, emotional and intellectual conversations over some crepes and wine then you are allowed), I could have flown to see my pseudo boo, potential boo, or at least my mama but alas mama travelled and I think the last few months have made me lose the urge for the romantic or romantic gestures (I battled with myself whether to send a valentine’s gift or not and thankfully last minute deliveries aren’t Nigeria’s strong suit).

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Birthdays, Born Days and Frivolities…

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Cakes, Prayers, Good Wishes, Parties, Sex, Leather pants and whips, Alcohol, Tipsy, Pictures, Fun. These are what birthdays are made of. Well that and reflection. Perhaps I should change the name of this blog to diaries of His Royal Highness because it seems this blog has taken a detour into the personal realm of a recovering overthinking lil bish. Enough of the compliments, today is my birthday (I share the birthday with Muhammad Ali, Benjamin Franklin, Jim Carrey…)! Somebody scream hallelujah, say alhamdullahi (sp anyone?) and whatever it is buddhists and atheists say because today was the day all those years ago my wonderful mother gave birth to me (you can tell I am a little bit of a mummy’s boy but then I m also daddy’s boy too).

I am thankful for all the people I have been opportune to know and/or meet in my life. I am thankful for those that have been a blessing to me and those who have made my life difficult. I thank both subsets of people because somewhere in the happiness, sadness, guilt, broken hearts and all lies a period of man whore behavior, no just kidding or am I? What I was trying to say before my silly side kicked in is that you have all helped to build my character and I am still learning the meaning of life, love and everything in between. I am thankful for my family and friends, thank you for bearing with me. I can be so much in my head sometimes and like to handle my problems by myself, I have just recently learnt how to share my problems with people and it feels so much better than bottling things up. Thank you to all lovers and ex-lovers, thanks for the memories mostly, life would be so boring without those experiences.

What do I want for my birthday? *Sings All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe* Hmm what do I want. Obviously wealth, happiness and all that. I want to find my soulmate and I hope that when I do I recognize her and not be so busy licking belly shots and consuming copious amounts of bourbon (Btw I think an Old Fashioned might be my new favorite cocktail, thank you London for that). I want my family and friends to be happy and prosper (and yes that includes you who read this blog, I pray that for blessing me with the gift of your time to read my nonsense yarns, may you not want for anything in your life, may you be happy and fulfilled in all that you do). I want to go back or become more intellectual. I remember college nights when my friends and I would have drinks and discuss philosophy, life and so many things, we used to call it our symposium (good times!). I want to travel more and meet new and exciting people. I want Nigeria to be better. I want to have the strength of mind to be more charitable like resolved to be in the new year. I want confidence and a recognition of my inner sexiness and good heart.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Me! I am currently in London and will be out and partying tonight. Adieu! XO

Be A Better Man Before Happily Ever After

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A while back I wrote a letter to Lady Farouk, If you missed it you can find it here. I have been told by some that she is not real and cannot possibly exist. Well in my defence I believe Lady Farouk is the epitome of the kind of woman I would want to end up with, I know that I would be lucky to find a woman with 60 percent of the attributes I described. Although, I doubt that blog post captured my full list and the fact that I am a pretty flexible person with my sense of what I want in a woman evolving and maturing as I have. Don’t worry I am not going to make another list of the characteristics of Lady Farouk, I believe she knows herself wherever and whoever she is.

I have heard mothers mine included talk about how they want their son to marry a good God fearing young woman who is respectful and is mindful of tradition (the tradition part not necessary the views of Queen Farouk/mi madre) basically mother Theresa who can cook and clean. Every single time I hear this I think to myself, “Does your son deserve to be with a good girl?” Has your son stopped his ashewo/prostituting ways? Has he learnt to control his temper so he doesn’t beat his future wife? Does he respect women? If all the good women married ashewo boys like your son who would marry the good guys? The ashewo women? This is my philosophical quandary.

I think a lot of people talk and emphasize love as the basis of marriage and finding your soulmate and they aren’t wrong. I believe in addition to looking for the one (every time I hear someone say the one, I think of that movie by Jet Li), one has to work on him/herself. You see it doesn’t matter how much you love someone if you aren’t emotionally mature and worked on some of your vices you might as well give up because the relationship might be doomed before it gets off. I am not saying you have to be perfect before you find your soul-mate, I am saying you have to recognize your faults and vices and be willing to work on them as well as taken steps in that direction.

I have had my share of problems. Wandering eyes, passive aggressive behaviour, insecurity, over-thinking and over-analysis, depression, alcohol dependency, sex dependency (konji) amongst others have been problems I have faced and in some cases still battle with. I have been in love in the past and found that things didn’t work out perhaps because I was still battling with some demons and didn’t realize it. I think it took me a while to realize the truth that perhaps I needed to work on myself to become a better man so I can deserve a better woman.

This is going to sound cliché like perhaps the majority of this post has but I sincerely believe that your soulmate is someone who sees you for you are and loves you but also inspires you to be a better person. Being with them makes you want to be a better man, you want to stop being such a man-whore, you want to dress better, be kinder, be less of an asshole. Now there is a difference between someone who inspires you to be better and someone who wants to change you. The latter hardly works out. So dear Lady Farouk if you try to reduce my whiskey diet, me and you will wear one shokoto!

My dear readers, what do you think? Do you need to be ready or prepare yourself before you meet your soulmate? Is love alone ever enough? Are there things you need to work on before you meet the boo? Do you deserve to be with a good person? Does trying to change a person ever work? Love to hear your thoughts

Who Do You Love? Musing on Love and Such

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Tomorrow is the season to love and be loved. Whatever your take on whether valentine’s day is a conspiracy by the corporations to milk people out of money seeing as there is no consumer holiday to boost spending in February or you subscribe to marking the day as a veneration of the original “St Valentine” or you just see it as a day to milk as much money from that bf/gf, sugar daddy/mummy, friend zoned individual trying to get in your panties or trying to get them off, or just plain old maga what is undoubtedly true about the 14th of February is that it is a day to show love and be loved and it is a day that highlights what the conception of love is in our society. Here you can insert the obligatory bitching about how materialistic love has become in our society especially Nigeria. *Shrug*. I have tired of talking about it, plus its not that bad if you are not stingy and you know the object of your affection actually likes you and is not using you for your money. It’s also not bad if you recognize the materialistic con and just don’t give a hoot, you just want to use her as much as she is using you. Basically, you’re willing to pay the cost to satisfy your konji. Also helps if you are wealthier than the average dude on the street.

Maybe it’s the fact that today is ash Wednesday and the beginning of lent (Shall I stop being a sinful empty soul? No, not really but I will try to be and do better), I have been quite reflective and the meaning of love and who do I love. I will confess that its been a while since I ve been in love in the Hollywood sense of the word, you know those butterflies in the stomach, cant stop thinking about you type of love. Yeah I actually generally try not to get to that stage of passionate obsessive love because I can be so irrational in such a state. I have had strong feelings for the opposite sex and what I thought was strong chemistry that led me to fall in love with the idea of someone. I tend to fall in love with ideas a lot. Intellectual, beautiful young lady who I have great conversation and share similar thinking patterns with or who challenges me to learn something new instantly captures my attention, she is like my kryptonite. I will fall in love with the idea of her or the soft spoken muse who seems to be mystery hiding a passionate and freakish nature that I would love to discover or just a young lady I have admired from a far for a while. I believe in some way, I kind of love all these people to varying degrees. Of course there is the, sex is so great you blurt out I love you types. No? Not cool? Psssh. Or the motherly type who you are drawn to by her powers of caregiving. I don’t know, when it comes to romantic love, I am often reminded by friends that I don’t seem to have a type and the key to finding that love of a lifetime will be identifying my type.

Then there is the love I am absolutely sure of, the love I can bet anything on. Yes I know the religious ones amongst us are thinking the love of God. Yes that is indeed true but I am talking about the love of my family. The love of my parents, siblings, cousins, aunties, uncles and so on. Anytime I feel lonely the thought of having such a wonderful family and extended family keeps me sane and grounded. Like really, I do have an awesome family. Yeah I m bragging. Sometimes I wonder where I get some of my insecurities from, it might be a byproduct of too much love and it makes me clingy at times.

Anyway, what am I doing on valentine’s day? I am gonna call my mother and father and make sure the old man is doing something for her or taking her out. I will tell them I love them and then call or message all my lady friends and family who are special to me and wish them a happy valentine’s day. As for the romantic date, gift and so on that happen during valentine’s day, I do not have any plan for the day as I m busy as hell. Shrug.

So who do I love? It seems I love my family, friends and blog readers *wink wink*. It does seem that I forgot someone important to love, myself. You cant give what you don’t have. I m working on loving myself, aren’t we all? Happy Valentine’s day everybody. Who do you love? What do you think love is? Do you celebrate valentine’s day? What do you think of the day and celebration in general

What do Chemistry, Chemical Bonding Have in Common with Relationships?

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chemical bonds

HRH the Prince of ambiguity, all round mess, occasional good guy and 3 time winner of the Mr Awkward awards aka me, myself and I has not written in almost two weeks. You know how they say one day in the sight of God is like a 1000 years to man? Well not writing in two weeks is like forever. Wait, what? What did he mean by that statement says the pious hyper-religious person reading this blog, did he just blaspheme? *Sends bat signal for the blasphemy police to come and issue a fatwa or whatever the Christian equivalent is.* That being said, I haven’t written in the aforementioned period of time because I have been busy (duh!), there has been some sort of writer’s block (heck the amount of blocks I have can build a skyscraper, no? bad analogy? Boo hoo!) and most importantly my country Nigeria has been keeping me pretty depressed. *Observes moment of silence for the tomfoolery and seeming hopelessness that characterizes being a Nigerian.*

“Oh the humanity!” I am quite the drama king, aint I? So after much preamble, I was studying for what can be best described as an A-level test in chemistry and had a eureka moment (Yes I was naked and running down the street shouting Eureka! Don’t hate, I m sexy and I know it! *wiggle wiggle.*) Here I go…

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Nobel Society I would like to present my theory for your scrutiny and consideration for the Nobel Prize in douchebaggery and related fuckery. You see my distinguished colleagues, I have discovered that relationships and opposite sex quantum mechanics as well as sexual titrations, organic kama sutra, boy-girl stoichiometry, happiness equilibrium and related kinetics can be related and explained by the atomic structure, orbitals, hybridization and the types of chemical bonds that exist. The focus of this treatise shall be on the chemical bonds that exist between a male and female.

Ah I see that I have intrigued you? No? Yes? Maybe? Have I titillated you mental faculties and gently stroked , touched and massaged it to the point of intellectual orgasm and then withdrawn my stimulus? I guess I am a cranial tease with sadistic tendencies or so my psychologist says. *shrug* If you look at it another way, I am the mental catalyst that stimulates intelligent thought about mundane matters.

We know that majorly there are 4 types of bonds that exist between atoms, molecules and the like. They are ionic, covalent, metallic bonds and van der waals forces. Ionic bonds exist in situations where one atom gives off an electron or electrons thereby becoming positive while another atom receives the electron becoming negative. The bond exists by virtue of an attraction of oppositely charged ions. Covalent bonds are cases were two atoms both give an amount of electrons to the union and share them equally. Metallic bonds occur between two metals where the electrons are left to roam free between the two atoms, this accounts for the conductivity of metals. Then we have van der waals forces which occur when there is an uneven distribution of electrons in a molecule leading it to form weak bonds with neighboring molecules.

In relationships ionic bonds are the type of relationships where the two participants have what can be described as opposite personalities but yet they find a way to make things work. Most often in such situations one partner is giving out or up a part of them knowingly or subconsciously to the other person. This brings a level of attraction between the two parties and is a fairly strong bond which is occasioned by sparks and explosive sexual escapades. You see ionic molecules when dipped in water to form a solution they become electrolytes and hence can conduct electricity. The attraction and sexual chemistry between the two partners is not apparent from the get go but when an external factor which is the water and conductors are in play, these two people might have as well written the kama sutra. This bond can be broken when another atom of a stronger electropositivity or electronegativity is introduced into the equation thereby luring one luring one member away from the other

The covalent bond is more often than not the strongest of the bonds. It is the one where both parties bring something to the relationship and hence share with each other. It is the ideal relationship. It is the one where there is a give and take in their daily routine. The bedroom antics are characterized by the same principle, if I get off first I will try and get my partner off too to the best of my ability. This grouping might not be explosive in the sack but this is the group that has a longer staying power. These are the people in a long term committed relationship. In this type of bonding, two atoms of the same type can form a covalent bond such as Oxygen, O2. This means that people of the same personality can form strong bonds and relationships. This doesn’t mean that different personalities cant, water, H2O is a great example. This bond also accounts for the divorce law in many western countries where splitting partners share what they came into the relationship with. When a covalent bond breaks, each atom takes what it brought into the bond.

The metallic bond is characterized by floating electrons between two atoms without much of a defined structure. This is akin to the open relationship. This is the relationship where the man or woman’s “electrons” are always roaming around yet they are in a bond with their partner. The metallic bond like the name entails accounts for some of the properties of metals. The open relationship like a metal can be strong (you just keep coming back to the person no matter how many times you stray), ductile (partners bend over backwards figuratively and literally to please their paramour), conducts electricity (some open relationships can have so many sparks flying and get to a serious level of freakiness, picture peanut butter on the place which must not be mentioned and a French baguette in the other…) yet it can melt under intense heat (on the long run it rarely holds up).

The van der waals forces type of bond is the relationship of convenience. The van der waals forces are weak bonds between molecules formed because of an uneven distribution of electrons. Relationships like this are often predicated based on certain factors, it could range from an uneven distribution of money leading one partner to seek the other to even up (ashawo, runs girls, runs boys, sugar boys etc), an uneven distribution of affection (you didn’t get hugged enough as a child and due to low self-esteem form bonds with ladies or men you shouldn’t), an uneven distribution of the opposite sex (ahem, looks at those who went to all-girls or all-boys schools and decided to experiment but will swear they aren’t gay or those who settle for people who they shouldn’t because there isn’t enough of the type of partner they want), an uneven distribution of sex (aka the konji principle, oi you, are you gonna bang?)

Long winded as it may be, I can go on. The full thesis will deal with molecules and how the shape of the atoms and orbitals as well as the roles of limiting reagents as well as catalysts in the chemical reactions of relationship.
And the crowd goes wild. They hand Sir Farouk the Nobel Prize for foolishness and he invites Rick Ross to do an honorary grunt.

So folk, I don’t even know what to ask you, yay? Nay? Or hell nay? Maybe? I would like to hear thoughts, criticisms, rebuttals, law suits, libel and so on… . What else do chemistry and relationships share Use the comment box!