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Fantastic Baes and Where to Find Them Vol 1

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Welcome to the Magical World of Baes

What if I told you that I have discovered and formulated the grand unified theory of baes, an algorithm for finding the one you were destined to be with? Now the question of whether the concept of the one is tenable is another thesis. Would you give me the nobel prize for physics? Bae-ology? Would you call me raving mad? I believe for many it would be the latter and you would be right. As far as I know, there is no grand unified theory for finding bae except what I believe is my hypothesis that love alone is not enough. I have searched for bae, thought I found her, dated her, lost her mostly because I am a high functioning sociopath who cant have good things and be satisfied (read: asshole, also guess the tv show reference), at this point I am open to an arranged marriage with contractual stipulations (jk, or am I?) Before I continue, obviously I am a potter head and yes I came up with this after watching the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them movie, always thought I was Slytherin but Alas Pottermore says I am Gryffindor! What a long pre-amble! I shall dive in shortly (have to put on my swimming trunks else you don’t want to be looking at my lil pee pee now would you?).

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2014 – My Resolution is to be Awesome!

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This has got to be a prolific few days on the blog. Happy New Year Everyone. I m sure a lot of people are hungover from last night either from the earthly spirits of alcohol or the holy spirit. Either way, you are on point. Welcome to 2014. I spent last night in church and no there was no happy new year kiss, sigh. Yesterday the priest said something about 14 being equal to 2 times 7 and since 7 is the number of spiritual and divine completion this year will be a year of double spiritual and diving completion. If you believe in such say Amen. You made it to another calendar year, pat yourself on the back.

Also to my fellow Nigerians I believe today is amalgamation day, that day the British in their silly colonial way joined Northern and Southern Nigeria together. We have been together for 100 years now. I guess I should add long live Nigeria or something to that effect. If I m not lazy I believe a post on the amalgamation would be in order in the near future.

Anyway back to singing the New Year blues. At the beginning of the year people make resolutions and since I am human and not the perfect specimen you think I am I guess I should follow suit

1. To Live a healthier lifestyle – This includes exercising more (and no, I don’t think bedmatics burn enough calories so not that!) and eating a bit healthier. I am making a realistic goal of working out in some way at least 3 times a week this year and also making sure I have fruit at least 5 times a week.

2. To gist with God a bit more – Well I m setting a goal of saying at least a prayer or having a convo with God once a day, attending church a bit more. At least every Sunday unless something huge happens. Occasional meditations and fasting are in the cards too. Lets see how that goes.

3. Give more – In the last year since I m not much of a tither (awaiting lightening strike cos I owe God a bit) I set approximately that amount of money for charity and as the year ended I hadn’t given the approximately 10% for march till December. This year I am giving myself a similar target, find and give 10% to charity cases I find. Obviously I am not for the giving 10% to clergy bit. Not my thing at all.

4. Corollary to Number 1, Party and Drink in moderation – Now if I said my resolution was to stop drinking completely I know that I would be lying to myself. I currently have a craving for a cocktail I cant shake but I can set a goal of drinking and partying in moderation. Restrict it to weekends and holidays and not party on Saturday cos of church the next day.

5. Procrastinate a lot less and see out my ideas to their logical end – I am a master procrastinator and it does affect my productivity a lot, I leave things to almost the last minute. Definitely a bad habit. I also have the habit of getting an idea and not working on it. I have an idea, I write it down and leave it hanging in the air. Not a good look for an aspiring dollar and pound millionaire or billionaire should I be so blessed.

6. Work on my insecurities, confidence issues and timidity – That’s just a whole mess of things. I am obviously very different from my blog voice which comes across as very confident and blah and blah I have been told. I have this ridiculous modesty thing and dislike for being acknowledged like it would embarrass me that bothers on timidity. I have been told I don’t act like a person that went to school in obodo oyibo. I guess they hand out confidence with overseas degrees. One of the main issues is that I am always in my own head and so I think so much to the point that it paralyzes my body to take action.

7. In related news, I should muse/think less. Like I said above, I think a lot. Some of my thoughts make for decent reading on here but others just leave me with lots of anxiety, insecurity, worry, anger, depression and so on. It is like I calculate every possible outcome of actions I take and words I say so much so that I occasionally get a hot head (nope I m not kidding, my head gets hot).

8. I need a trailer load of patience – Its funny because I sort of have patience but then I don’t. I hate being ignored on chats, I hate when you take a million years to reply my messages. Although I think in 2013 I improved on that front, there is still a way to go. I need to stop looking for instant gratification be it in love, money, possessions and etc. I need to learn to bid my time and not focus on negatives so much that they make me impatient.

9. I need to quit with the temper boiling under thing – I don’t necessarily have a hot temper but sometimes I allow things cook a bit in my mind. I try to give the person an excuse for their stupid behavior and look for alternate explanations all the while the matter is still in my mind and I haven’t confronted the person about it. In 2014 if you piss me off I will tell you. No skirting around the bullshit and being politically correct.

10. I resolve to carefully select my acquaintances, friends, relationships and so on – In 2014, I am getting rid of useless associations and keeping only those relationships that will make me a better person. I will give each d’alliance time to prove itself worthy or else I will axe it. Life is too short to waste on meaningless associations.

Anyway those are my not too short resolutions for 2014. My reading public what resolutions do you have?

A Kobo worth of thoughts on Alcohol and Christianity

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Jesus Juice

He turned Water into Wine….

For those of us who know about such things, the month of lent is coming to an end. We are currently in the throes of holy week the week that proceeds from Palm Sunday when Jesus rode in majestically on an ass into Jerusalem and ends with Easter this weekend. How did people get a bunny from that story? Beats me. In the spirit of Easter and all things christian while secretly hoping St Peter does not revoke my visa into heaven. Yes I said visa. Much like the one that grants you access into the seeming paradise we call the US/Developed world. This is of course after for the most part going through psychological turmoil and stress at your neighborhood third world (sorry developing) country embassy. You see to some Christians alcohol is an anathema. Its that special breed of wrong that corrupts the soul and makes you do evil things. This is especially prevalent in the protestant/evangelical set of Christendom.

Now before you label this another rant against what I have termed the “You must be rich” gospel, take a chill pill preferably a laxative to get the shit out of your mind. Relax your mind and let your conscience be free. Word to Diddy. Growing up in what could be termed a mixed home, one parent catholic the other highly evangelical allowed me to have an interesting view of alcohol. I actually grew up without having for the most part ever tasted alcohol. Never willingly partook of the devil’s potion. How about now? I plead the fifth. More like a fifth of henny. Anyway, I grew up thinking that being a teetotaler was part of being a good christian. The younger version of me saw it as pretty much black and white. Not something to be debated about.

I remember a story about Jesus I had heard, read and even seen enacted in plays/movies. In fact, this is Jesus’ first miracle which is recorded in what we call the Bible today. Jesus goes to a wedding in Cana with his mother and unfortunately the wine finishes. I know, some of you are like what?! Who does not plan enough booze for the reception? Or you are thinking, They served wine at a wedding Jesus attended, somebody call the heavenly hosts! Somebody smite these drunken heathens! Anyway, when Jesus was told of the situation because we all know Jesus was an awesome guy who knew that the wedding would blow without any booze, he told them to bring jars and fill them with water. He then used his divine powers to change the water to wine and according to the story the wine even tasted better than what they had before. So you see they were drinking the cheap stuff and Jesus gave them Champagne.

What an awesome guy right? Wrong! According to what I was told growing up and believe me I have heard this from grown up and well educated people today, Jesus’ first miracle was turning water in non-alcoholic wine! Wait, pause, DJ Selecta pull it, play that back again, Non-alcoholic wine? Is that not an oxymoron of some sort. The son of the master of the universe decided to turn water into grape juice? Did he secretly have some coolade on his person? Lets be real, the very definition of wine is fermented grapes with an Alcoholic content without the fermentation and alcohol you might as well be drinking ribena.

Before you accuse me of advocating drunken orgies, I know what the bible says about drunkenness and consuming too much wine. Proverbs 20:1 says, “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.” Isaiah 5:22 says, “Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks” Bartenders beware! And of course Ephesians 5:18, “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.” I know its not funny but anytime I hear the word spirit I find it mildly hilarious the parallels between people acting by the leading of the Spirit and those acting because they drank too much spirits.

I believe it is wrong to impose your teetotaler beliefs on anyone in the name of Christianity. Cant speak for Muslims, that is their religion. It is also wrong to impose the opinion that Christians should drink. Who does that? That would mean less drinks for me. What I believe is a decent compromise is that the bible is against drunkenness, drunken behavior and the actions associated with it. If you chose not to drink, do it out of a personal conviction not because it is inherently wrong or Christianity says it is wrong. Heck the wine at the last supper became the blood of Christ. If you want to sip, sip but don’t get drunk. For those who drink, drink if you want to and if you want to follow what the bible says do not get drunk. Drink responsibly.

So what thinketh you? Is it possible for a man to drink away his soul? Is alcohol the devil? Btw, JC must have been a great bartender, no?