Musings
The Konji Principle
First of all to understand what the Konji principle is you have to understand what Konji is. Konji (sp?) is a Nigerian slang that basically describes a drought of sexual satisfaction. In other words, your pistol is loaded., your jibby hasn’t been serviced, your black snake hasn’t moaned, your valve is under pressure etc. Take your pick of a suitable euphemism. You have? Okay insert it appropriately.
If you have read this blog, you might see that I m pretty political most of the time but you know what today I said fudge it, I m going to write about Konji. Strokes appropriately. Also, with all the bombing and flooding going on, it is a pretty bleak time for us in Nigeria so I figured I would do something different. As the great observer I am, I feel that since I am yet to find and define the unified field theory (basically a theory that explains everything in physics/the universe), It is my duty to contribute something to humanity hence the Konji Principle.
What is the Konji Principle? The Konji Principle states that
“For every male heterosexual experiencing a protracted period of drought, better known as konji his judgement lapses and as a result he is susceptible to the charms of any wowo (not so hot) babe and is likely to act in ways detrimental to his physical, mental and emotional well being.”
This principle is similar to hooke’s law of elasticity. For those unfamiliar with Hookes Law, I ll try remember. I believe hookes law states that for a spring within its elastic limit the deformation of the spring is proportional to the force applied on the spring or something like that. If we bring this to the Konji Principle, I believe there is a Konji limit. The Konji Limit is the amount of Konji one can endure before one lowers his standards and thought patterns as it regards the other sex or sex he finds attractive (homosexuals?). Basically it is how long you can go without sex. The factors that determine this Konji limit could be personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature, cultural norms etc. Sorry if I m framing most of my definitions from a male angle, I don’t know the female equivalent or if they function the same way, More study is needed.
What brought the whole Konji thing to my attention? I am going to say HIV/AIDs statistics and the prevalence of ashewos/runs girls in our society. Notice how I put ashewos and runs girls in the same category. For the Nigerianly uneducated ashewos are what you call hookers, I believe it’s a Yoruba word actually maybe not cos Owo is Yoruba. In hausa we call them karuwai. Runs girls on the other hands are basically hookers who give the girlfriend experience, they go out/sleep with men for money or gifts or apartments etc while also keeping other guys (the theme of many Nigerian movies starring Tonto Dike). To be gender balanced, there are male ashewos. If you poke your stick in anything that moves you qualify. If you are a guy or girl and this is your thing, no shame in your game. Own it. After all some of these people have reasons why they engage in such “activities”.
The factors I mentioned earlier such as personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature and cultural norms help in curtailing the harmful effects of konji. On the flip sides there are things that accelerate konji such as alcohol, weed etc You are probably thinking, what are the harmful effects of konji? Well if we rephrase my analogy with hooke’s law a bit you will notice that there is an elastic limit and eventually there is a breaking point. Lets take it that beyond the elastic limit, men will engage in excessive masturbation and might still be a little guarded about their sexual escapades. Eventually like in a spring too much deformation leads to a yield point which is a point where small deformation results in large displacement of the spring. In our konji analogy, this is a point where the man moves from excessive masturbation to somewhat indiscriminate sexual activities. Beyond the yield point is the breaking point. It is at this breaking point that he beds anything that moves with no thought of the repercussions. Unfortunately for him there are repercussions.
The harmful side of the Konji Principle is that it could lead to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, low self esteem, getting with people far below your standard (whatever that is), Herpes, the clap, HIV/AIDS, disappointing God/Allah (if you are religious that way), go to hell, get reincarnated as a cockroach, disappointing yourself and loved ones amongst other side effects. All in all, Konji na bastard. If you must kpansh/straf (Nigerian word for doing the horizontal bedroom dance) use a jibby cover (condom), otherwise practice abstinence (konji management through zen principles). See what I did there, you thought this was going to be an ignorant post, bet some of you didn’t even read through to the end to see that it was actually a safety warning to people practicing sexual polygamy.
There is a bible quote that says, “As a man thinketh so shall he be”. Konji is all in your head or lower head in the case of men, you know what I mean. It is imperative for your physical, sexual, emotional and mental safety that you don’t let Konji be the focal point of your life. Think with your head not your lower head. Cheers.
I leave you with spiritual konji. Go forth and spread the principle!
Can Nigerians Adopt an “understand before I criticize” approach to life?
The Past few weeks I have observed the whole hullabaloo and much ado about something called Islamic Banking. Interesting enough, I found arguments on both sides to be tinged with sentiment and not cold hard facts. I m neither pro nor against Islamic banking, I m for what is best for Nigeria. In fact, I have purposely decided to not comment on the topic because I feel I might not have enough information. Of course, the whole issue just reminded me of one of the biggest problems our nation faces today. No its not terrorism, its not corruption, its not power sharing/zoning and its not education. One of the biggest problems facing our nation today is Ignorance.
Now I know some of you educated folk out there are turning up your noses and saying, “You are right, those illiterates really need to be educated for this country to move forward.” This is partially right but ultimately you are wrong. There is such a thing as an ignorant educated person. There is such a thing as an uneducated educated person. How you say? I define ignorance in the context of the topic at hand as making up your mind about a topic and perhaps criticizing or supporting the said topic without knowing all the facts from both sides and weighing them objectively without much sentiment before forming your opinion and even expressing it to others.
Do you see how ignorance according to my definition factors into every problem we face in this country? Think about it, the religious extremist or whatever they are who bomb places and kill people are probably acting based on information tinged with religious sentiment and haven’t sat down to fully analyze the consequences of their actions. The corrupt official is only thinking about himself. He is not thinking about the bigger picture of what stealing money could mean for the society. The advocate or opponent of power sharing or zoning probably hasn’t fully looked at the valid points the other side of the argument has to offer.
If you think I am exaggerating, do a little exercise with me. Pick up a newspaper in Nigeria today. Anyone. If you like pick the most objective and balanced newspaper you know. You could also visit websites such as Sahara Reporters, Nigerian Village Square, and Nairaland. All I ask of you in each case is to look at the opinion or comment section and see what people think about current affairs. I bet you will find lots of one-sided views and demonization of other viewpoints without the courtesy of well thought out and factual reasons for a rebuttal of a viewpoint. It is also in such forums that you will find divisive, stereotyping and tribalistic comments.
If you think about it, tribalism is ignorance. Making decisions about a person based on his ethnic origin and stereotypes associated with said tribe is ignorance. You haven’t fully accessed the facts about the said person before you decide that the said person will cheat you of your money, is dirty and disorganized, is an uneducated fool. As with many things Nigerian, religion is not spared from the scourge of this ignorance.
I can speak from a Christian point of view. How many times as a Christian have you had a catholic vs. protestant discussion that turned into an argument because one person refused to listen to the other person’s viewpoint. You know the “you worship Mary” versus “you speak gibberish in the name of tongues” type of argument. Why is this ignorant? You have refused to understand the reason why a person believes what they believe and insist that your viewpoint is the right one and the person better join you or you insinuate that they will go to hell. You forget that as corny as ecumenism might sound to you, there is a fundamental thing you both share, Jesus. Of course, this also applies to the Muslim versus Christianity debate most of us have been having since we were in primary school fueled by our parental brainwashing and strict adherence to religious values that made us into little fundamentalists. Some of us grew out of it and became more accepting others didn’t. Go figure.
At the end of the day, as simplistic as this may sound, I believe that many of the debates we have as individuals and as a nation be it personal or in the media need to based on facts and not sentiment. It would be hard for our nation to move forward if we always base our decision on sentiment and not cold hard facts. The world operates on fact; we have been operating on sentiment for 50 years of independence. Committing coup after coup for selfish reasons without thinking of the wider ramifications, selling out our country to feed our pockets, spreading hateful and divisive messages, etc. A country cannot function on generalizations. In the fight against ignorance I believe the media and we as individuals have key parts to play. For the media, it is key that you report verified news. Don’t report hearsay, back up your information with cold hard facts. Don’t give us one-sided news, lets hear from both sides of an argument. We the individuals and citizens of this great nation have a responsibility in our daily dealings to always try to understand the other person’s point of view. It will help our nation and also make us better human beings. So next time before you express your opinion, remember to “understand before you criticize.”
Now that we have been desensitized to bomb blasts….
Its actually quite pitiful how desensitized to violence we are in this country. It hasn’t been long since bomb blasts became part of the Nigerian psyche yet we have become so desensitized to it. Over the past weekend three bombs went off in different parts of the country. People died and definitely others were injured. Let us not lie to ourselves and say we are as outraged as we were the first time a bomb went off and killed people in this country. Not to go off topic but sometimes I believe our “God is in control”/”E go better” attitude prevents us from being outraged and demanding change, our complacent nature. God is practical not theoretical jo. I refuse to allow bomb blasts become as commonplace as road accidents, armed robbery or even kidnapping. These things are not normal. No offence, but this is Nigeria not Iraq. We are not at bloody war!
The news and media are not helping. They carry news about these bomb blasts for a few days; if we are lucky a week and then they move on. Are you kidding me? The media should be proactive and ask the police what they are doing to solve these crimes against our nation and humanity. You should never let people forget about issues like this, instead you want to focus on zoning of ministers and the like. These are the things that cause divisions in this country. So what if the president has instituted a committee on the election violence or even Boko Haram, what if he has signed an Anti-terrorism bill? This doesn’t mean squat if bomb blasts are still occurring and people are still dying. I dare anyone to mention one committee on such an issue that succeeded in effecting a positive change. Many times after the committee is done, people have forgotten the issue and the government ignores their report. We just like to create committees to continue to chop money when there are people whose responsibility it is to do the jobs the committees are doing.
In my opinion, it is a damn shame that our National Security Adviser, Director of SSS and various heads of security agencies in charge of protecting the lives of our citizens have been retained. It doesn’t make an ilk of sense. If people are dying and you are not catching those behind it, it is safe for me to assume you suck at your job and deserve to be fired. Simple and short. An overhaul and reorientation of our security agencies is needed.
How? Of course I have a few suggestions. Apart from overhauling the security agencies and making sure non-performers are eased out in favor of performing officers, there is a need for greater intelligence training. We need to have informants. Security officers need to befriend some of the shadier people in our society who might have information about crimes that are about to go down. Every security officer needs to know his community well and be friendly with the people he is serving. This way he will be in touch with what is going on in his community, the good and the bad. This will help in reducing crime by a lot.
In line with greater intelligence training and gathering comes another important tool for any security agency, undercover work. Yes you might think I watch too much American movies and TV. Yes, I m a fan of 24, Jack Bauer kicks ass. Only if we had a Nigerian version of Jack B to kick terrorists’ ass. Yes, these people setting off bombs are nothing but terrorists. It is crucial that security agencies infiltrate these groups. It doesn’t take much, in the case of boko haram you will need a Muslim officer who speaks hausa/kanuri/Fulani and can blend into the group and stay with them for months and trace the key figures behind the bomb blasts as well as pass information to security agencies to enable them stop these attacks. It is very important to be pro-active not reactive in the war against terrorism.
This also brings me to another point I have said over and over again, it should be a crime in this country to make hateful/inciting speech. These people especially the Boko Haram have cassette tapes and CDs in circulation in markets filled with hateful and inciting speech. I believe it is within the full rights of security agents to follow the trail of such inciting media, find their source and deal with them appropriately. Haba, the time when people acted in this country with impunity should definitely be over.
We as a people need to stand up and demand changes. We cant let people to continue dying. If we let this go on, we will no longer be surprised or express shock when a bomb blast occurs. We will just shrug and say thank God no one I know got hurt. Haba Nigeria, we should be a nation that even if 1 person loses his/her life we should be outraged. As much as I know that power and unemployment are priorities for our new president, it is important that he ensure the security of lives and property. That is one of the main functions of any government. Lets fix this now before kids grow up thinking its okay to gut a human being. Smh.
NYSC: A Brainstorming Session, ideas on how to make the NYSC scheme better.
So over the past few weeks, the NYSC program has been under the microscope after the spate of killings that followed the elections leaving Corps members dead. This has triggered widespread condemnation of the killings and the NYSC Program itself. Some call for the outright scrapping of the NYSC while others call for a review. Either way, it is my sincere hope that something is indeed done about the NYSC program because in its current state, the program is not living up to its initial billing. The hope not only lies in hoping that the government does something, I also hope that we as a people don’t forget the sacrifice that the corps members made. Many times, it seems as though we easily forget tragedies and move on to the next thing without demanding change. A laissez-faire population will lead to a country in chaos where nothing is ever solved.
Of course the central issue of most of the writings on the post election violence as relating to NYSC has been basically outrage and who can blame anyone. After all these are our brothers and sisters, our sons and daughters who lost their lives. However, I would like to take the position of suggesting potential solutions as regards to reviewing the program not only to secure the lives of our corpers but to improve the welfare and lot of the NYSC members. This is important because in the bigger scheme of things, the NYSC program represents the future of this nation. Its members are graduates of tertiary institutions who hold skills and ideas that could change this nation. In addition to this, NYSC is one of the few opportunities for people to step out of their comfort zone and experience a different part of the country thereby fostering unity. It is also instructive that this crop of young men and women who are serving the country are future ministers, industrialists, academics, philanthropists, and so on and hence deserve to be treated with respect.
In terms of securing the lives of NYSC members, it is important that all states build substantial corper lodges. They also need to provide subsidized housing for the corpers. This subsidized housing will be cheap enough for corpers to afford and would help improve security of corpers as these places would be given sufficient security detail. It would have the advantage of having congregating corpers together and giving the needed “safety in numbers” effect. A buddy system would have to be adopted in which corpers would look after each other and ensure the safety of their fellow corper. It would also help to provide corpers with sufficient combat and weapons training. Another approach would be to make it necessary for traditional leaders to know the corpers and also afford them the security of whatever local militia helps to keep security in the said ward/village. Lets face it, in the real rural areas militia hold more sway than the police.
Apart from security, the NYSC program suffers a lot of other problems. The problems include insufficient wages, corruption, community development (Yes CD is a problem), a lack of sufficient jobs for corpers once they finish and poor placement of corpers based on skill.
In addressing the insufficient wages for corpers it is key to note that simply increasing corper allowance is not acceptable. It is not enough to only factor in federal government pay to corpers but it is imperative to look into the amount corpers receive from their places of primary assignment. It is pitiful that in this day and age some corpers receive as low as 3,000 naira from their places of primary assignment, add this to the approximately 10,000 they receive from federal government and you have maybe 13,000 a month for a graduate living and working in a place like Abuja and Lagos. You have to be kidding me. I propose that government factor in the living cost of different areas in the country as well as regulate the amount organizations give their corpers to ensure fair treatment. It is also important to note that in the time of some of our parents, NYSC allowance was about half of what a staff in places of primary assignment received. If a corper was earning 100 naira a month then, a full staff earned like 200 naira. If you are going to give workers a living wage, you have to give corpers a living wage because in most instances these corpers are away from home and need to be reasonably comfortable. Comfort and security as well as employment will help better integrate the country as you will see cases of corpers staying back in the areas they served to work. Hence a better mixing of the polity outside of ethno-religious lines will occur.
Looking at corruption in the NYSC scheme would be a really deep undertaking as the NYSC is basically a mirror of the corruption in our society. You have bribery to influence places of primary assignment, you have people paying off officials so that they can basically skip the whole NYSC experience and stay at home or keep working abroad (a little bit common amongst foreign-trained folk, yeah I said it!). You also have paying officials after skipping Community Development (I m guilty of this, cant lie). My suggestion for this would be an anonymous tipping service that will allow corpers report cases of officials harassing them or requesting money from them. Aside from this transparency in the manner of assigning of places of primary assignment, CD, as well as all things NYSC related including posting of people to states. The processes and methods of deciding these things need to be publicized. We don’t want to hear about connection anymore, if Nigeria is to evolve into an egalitarian society, it is important that the NYSC be merit based and transparent. No Nigerian is more equal than the other because of wealth, status, ethnic group, religion or connection, the country belongs to both me and you.
Linking from the previous point, the Community Development scheme of the NYSC has become riddled with corruption as funds are not even made available to corpers to execute thought out community development projects and in some urban areas, the CD has turned into a joke with people coming and standing/sitting around for hours till their CD cards are signed. Also in some cases there doesn’t seem to be a choice of where one wants to do his/her CD and even in cases where corpers undertake a project they are subjected to red tape and sometimes have to use some of their own money to fund the said project. This is not acceptable. The process of assigning CDs needs to be transparent. The CD itself should be an open process that would allow for brainstorming of ideas from corpers and implementation of projects to develop their communities based on the skills they possess and what interests them. If I want to install a solar powered pump borehole in a community that I m serving in, there should be forum for me to share my ideas, draw up a cost estimate and project plan and get funding from the NYSC scheme or suitable NGO partners. Corpers have brilliant ideas on how to develop communities and the nation as a whole only if we let them.
Lack of sufficient jobs for corpers once they finish is another problem that is more societ wide with the high unemployment rate in the country. Of course, there have been attempts to help corpers with entrepreneurship training. Lets be serious though, you want a graduate of engineering to start weaving baskets and selling them? Are you bloody serious? You need to do better. If you place corpers in the right places to serve based on their qualification, interests and experience you will get better value from the corpers and you will more likely retain them. Entrepreneurship schemes are good and I believe that is a legit step in the right direction to tackling unemployment. However it will make no sense if you teach people entrepreneurship skills and not provide funds or loans for them to engage in said business. No sense at all. Another point to make is that the year a corper spends in the place of primary assignment should be a time where the company trains the corper and gives him/her the necessary skills. The NYSC service year can also serve as a graduate trainee year in which corpers are trained with the intention of retaining them after the finish serving. Maybe companies will complain about the basic skill set of corpers, if that is the case the companies should conduct aptitude/skill tests and interviews before they select corpers. This would make for a more equitable process of primary assignment selection and result in fewer rejections. It would also be a good idea if a database of CVs/ Skill set is created that would allow organizations to look and select potential corpers they would like to recruit.
All in all, this is my attempt at a constructive criticism of the NYSC scheme and a solution based approach to reviewing the scheme and helping to unite and progress Nigeria. I m sure I missed a lot of points, do you have any suggestions for a thorough review of the NYSC scheme if it is not eventually scrapped, share. I m interested in hearing people’s ideas.
A patriotic jingle below to get your blood pumping.
Not Yet Uhuru: We the People….our demands
So now that the elections are over and the mood on the ground is that this was somewhat the freest and fairest election we have ever had as a country, I would like to remind us that indeed the struggle has just begun.
We as Nigerians will be tempted to take the elections as a sure sign that “fresh air” has come to stay in Nigeria. Whether or not that is true is not my main concern. My concern is that we should not stop being vigilant. The elections are mostly gone but the problems we have as a country and as a nation are still there. This is not the time to rest on our laurels like an Olympic runner who goes on to consume plates of pounded yam before the final race. We should realize that the task of building a better Nigeria is a marathon and not a sprint.
We must demand better service from our country. I suggest that the websites and platforms that people used to report on the elections be left open and transformed into performance monitoring tools. It is time for each and every Nigerian to be part of the running of this country. We must demand that each and every one of our elected officials have open communication lines, be it phone numbers, emails and the like where we can contact them and speak directly to them about the problems in our community. If you want to speak to your senator about the lack of water in your village, then damn it you should be able to. We can no longer sit down and expect the top to do everything. Real change starts at the grassroots and we are the agents of change.
It is no longer acceptable for our children to get poor education, we will not stand by and watch children finish primary school and not know how to do arithmetic. It is not acceptable to have our future leaders staying in squalid hostels not fit for animals all in the name of boarding schools. It is not acceptable for the schools to lack laboratory equipment, to lack access to computers and Internet in the 21st century. We can no longer accept a syllabus that was written in the 80s. Get out of here with that nonsense. We can no longer accept a mindset that Maths and English are the only subjects worth learning. We can no longer accept harassment of students in Universities, crowded lecture halls and poor hostel living conditions. We can no longer accept a youth service that sometimes turns into a death sentence for those serving their country. We cannot accept a youth service that doesn’t lead to jobs for members. We will not accept a youth service where the corpers are not paid a living wage
It is imperative that the issue of unemployment be tackled. We as a people will no longer accept a job selection process that is not completely transparent and merit based. We will only accept equal opportunity recruitment process without regard to gender, tribe, ethnic group, religion and co. Any hint of discrimination will be met with swift action against any accused company. We will no longer accept taking an expatriate to copy and paste documents from one folder to another when you have so many computer literate youths looking for jobs, we will no longer accept a country where a graduate is treated as a sub-human just because he/she is looking for a job. We will not accept selling our country to foreign interests who do not adequately give back to the community. We will hold them to the same standards that they hold Nigerians to in their countries. Our country will not kiss the ass of any multinational, if they don’t like it they can leave.
We will no longer accept that our country will experience power outages. We are determined that every power outage must be accompanied by a cogent reason pending the time when full and consistent power coverage is given to the country. If there is going to be fuel scarcity in any part of the country, the people there demand their right to know and plan accordingly. Lack of water supply is a thing of the past. We will not accept anything but a drive to reform the health sector and make primary healthcare available to all areas of the country, including the rural areas. We will not accept any situation where basic services are not rendered to citizens.
We will not accept a country without adequate security. We will not accept the fact that a robustly sized police and security force cannot protect the lives and properties of its citizens. We will not accept poor intelligence gathering, we will not accept bomb blasts, armed robbery and kidnapping as part of the national norm. We absolutely denounce any security personnel that engages in any practice that is harmful to the citizenry, be it bribery, selling of arms to thieves and so on.
We will not accept bigotry in any form. We denounce any priest, pastor, bishop, evangelist, imam, uztaz, mallam, babalawo etc who incites people to violence and preaches anything but love and peace amongst neighbours. We condemn them as agents of the devil, Iblis or whatever name he goes by these days. We will not condone the stealing of public funds. We will not be responsible if your hands are cut o, so watch yourself.
We solemnly swear to protect the sovereignty and dignity of our country. No one has the right to interfere in our business. We will use Nigerian solutions for Nigerian problems, nothing more nothing less. We refuse to be burdened by aid with punitive conditions. We want a Nigeria where Unity, Peace and Progress reign. We want our freedom and will not hesitate to take it back by force. We are committed to a better Nigeria. We no dey play o! We go wound devil finish!
Nigeria: A brief defense of Corruption
I was having a conversation on Saturday and as with all conversation amongst pseudo-intellectual Nigerians, the conversation eventually went to politics. We were discussing corruption and how in the just past elections many candidates got it wrong by giving a strong anti-corruption stance without giving the how and actually thinking about the effect of a sudden corruption free Nigeria.
This is of course based on a layman’s opinion. I m no economist but what I garnered from our conversation is one of the first things needed in the fight against corruption is to prevent capital flight from the country. Like it or not, based on hearsay we have several companies in this country that hire millions of people that were started with corrupt money. If you were to probe these companies and dismantle/reclaim the stolen funds, you will put millions of Nigerians out of work. So maybe this is the reason that some of the candidates that were heavily anti-corruption who seem to want to probe past misdeeds was given the snub in the elections.
A realistic look at corruption would see that in some way, it fuels our economy. I m not advocating for corruption, don’t get me wrong but I have a big problem with people who steal state funds and establish a refinery outside Nigeria, people who take our money to foreign banks, people who build real estate all over the world with our money. Ladies and Gentlemen, if the billions and maybe even trillions of dollars that have left this country were harnessed in this country and used to start businesses that would hire people, I assure you that Nigeria would be far more developed than it is.
Before you get annoyed with me, think about this. Corruption is equally rampant in many developed countries. The only difference is that these countries engage in corruption for the benefit of their countries. These same countries that keep warning Nigeria about corruption come to our country and give kickbacks to get inflated contracts with most of the money going back to their native countries. These multinationals, hire many expatriate workers at the expense of Nigerian graduates. So tell me, Isn’t corruption benefiting them? The kickbacks they give our leaders are then further used by our leaders to build houses in London, Paris, Dubai etc. So in the end they win either way.
I was reading how despite the revolution in Egypt, the bureaucratic corruption and bribe taking that characterized the Mubarak regime is still there and in fact the removal of the regime has deflated the economy and pushed inflation through the roof. It goes to show that sometimes the problem is not only with the head; the body/the people also have a share in the blame for corruption.
A sudden prosecution of corruption, a war on corruption so to say would only lead to a shock to the Nigerian economy. A shock that would see many people out of jobs and see considerably less money being circulate in our economy. Indeed a gradual approach that would involve a mass education of the people and a change in the national psyche as regards corruption would go a long way in helping to curb corruption. As with many problems, the solution lies at the root. What do you think? Is corruption a necessary evil or even tool for economic development in channeled right? Or is it an outright evil that needs to be stamped out immediately or do you favor my gradual approach?
Musings of a Crazy Nigerian 