We will skip my apology for not writing in a while. I think I captured that in the last blog. Today you got double posts, yay! This topic is like 4 months overdue in my mind. I say this because the original thought for this came a while back. I will start with a question, what is the Nigerian obsession with having sex/making love/fucking for a long time? To be more specific, what is the obsession of Nigerian men with lasting long in bed? Did they make an announcement that if you dont *pardon my french cos of course french must be a crass language* fuck your girl for over an hour you have not achieved in life? And why do people keep coming up with new aphrodisiacs each and every day? I know this is probably not a uniquely Nigerian problem because there is a big market for herbal viagra and regular alike. The thing to note is that a lot of people who use these ehem performance enhancing medication do not suffer from erectile dysfunction. What happened to the lost and quite satisfying art of the quickie? But missy said she don’t want no one minute man!
Of course we can choose to delve deeper (that’s what she said! No? You don’t want this 2 inches of depth? Ok! Consent is sexy) into this topic and chalk it up to patriarchy and the need for men to project power in all things including sex. Or you can look at it as that, some kind of God given edict that men shall please their women (of course within the institution of marriage blah blah blah, yeah I took it to sunday school huh? BS!). Could it be the media? the usual culprit who has told us in R&B songs about going all night long. But really though, all night long? Bruh you do not have anything to do the following day that is productive? Do you guys not take water breaks? Do you have anything against sleep? Of course I confess to loving sex and sleep pretty much equally but sleep might slightly win on a personal note. We can also look at it in the case of the Nigerian man and black man in general from the point of view of the hyper sexualization of the black man as this big dick and duracell battery negro who can give you his deep dish pizza from morning to night. Of course there is porn, like really some of these porn tapes are 2 hour long and you have Max Steele or is it Lex/Danielle Steele going hard and fast (I don’t know porn stars, I am a child of God). Quick myth buster, porn is like wresting (the WWF type wresting with John Cena and co) it is just a performance. I saw a documentary a while back (No I do not have a PhD in porn and sex studies) that says a lot of the pornstars are on drugs and a lot of video editing is done with sex scenes taking hours especially if the guy comes quick or the lady gets dry and they have to break to get the guy back up or quickly lubricate the lady before shooting resumes at the same position. So yeah, most people cant do what pornstars do on their own…
I was very ignorant of aphrodisiacs before I moved back to Nigeria after college or at least Nigerian aphrodisiacs. Nigerians can spread silly rumors of things that help men get hard and stay hard sha. The funniest I have heard in my life is red bull and garri. Yes you heard me right. Make your garri with red bull and drill away like you were looking for oil in the Niger Delta or Chad Basin. People take all sorts of herbs to ensure their sergeant slaughter stood at attention for a long time. I have heard of guinness, alomo, orijin, burantashi, monkey tail, SK/weed, cocaine and the list goes on and on. There is the funny one that you shouldn’t take any form of sugar before sex. Nigerians often forget that even pounded yam metabolizes in your body to form sugar and fat so in essence it is funny when a dude refuses to put sugar in his tea in the morning but there is the milk which contains sugar and the bread but bro in his mind is getting ready for a rump of life. Of course some of these stuff work, no doubting that but a lot of it is psychological and tactics (I will leave tactics for another time before my baptism card is revoked). Really though, sometimes I wonder for my people. Like really, if you marketed dog poo as something that will keep Oga Titus pompous for a long time, people will rush and buy. People endured the shitty taste of alomo for years and some are buying Orijin for the same reasons. As an experiment or prank I could find a drug that prevents people from getting it up and market it as the 12 hour sex giver and see how it all plays out. lol.
Now I am not advocating we all become 30 second champions. competing for the fastest man alive with Usain Bolt but really sometimes it might take some mood setting, a visit to Australia (down under), passionate kissing and general badass foreplay accompanied by aromatic oils, bondage with raffia palm and forceful yet quick entry and exit with a spiked battering ram, spanking with a koboko dipped in atarugu water at 56 degrees centigrade while The Weeknd
playing in the background sounding like a man having an orgasm. Who said I don’t have an inner Christian Grey.
Perhaps the best medicine for a fulfilled sex life is exercise, keeping fit and just trying to enjoy yourself. Don’t be in a rush or think about it too much. After all all it takes is one good lay out of four to keep your lady (that is a theory in progress). This obsession to last long could also have something to do with the potbelly epidemic sweeping the nigerian nation (i have caught it slightly myself).
Anyway, so folk that my treastise of the search for the Nigerian quickie. What do you think? Are we obsessed with lasting long in bed? If so why is that? Are you a fan of the quickie or the marathon? Usain bolt or Some Kenyan long distance runner? Have you ever done 6 hours straight without break? If yes, have you applied for the guinness book of world records? On another note, are Nigerian women fans of BDSM? What was the best quickie you ever had? the best marathon session? Kiss and tell folks. Oh yeah happy holidays…