The One Where I Was Depressed

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The world can be quite depressing these days if you choose to look at all the poop going on. There is ISIS/IL, there is BH, AL-Shabaab, The Ukraine Crisis, The one in Syria, Libya, The ebola outbreak, HIV is still there trying to make folk guilty for not using rubbers since the 80s and of course when it comes to the personal life there will always be issues that can gang up to make you feel like the world is so cold. Be it the loss of a loved one, your search for a loved one/mate of the soul, money problems, fear of the unknown, those witches from the village that just wont let you be etc. At the end of the day, depression is quite a real thing and I know I must have been depressed at some point in my life.

All I can say is that I used to have frequent mood swings and I cannot say I have not thought about suicide before. It was a time long ago in a galaxy far away called New York City. I was in college and was not doing as well as I thought I would. I was used to the zero/minimum effort yielding great grades due to the big cranium but that was not happening the way I wanted it. I was getting stressed by my relationship/s. I was stuck in my head a lot, always deep in thought and sadly negative thought. Alcohol was my best friend, I was a functional many things. A functional alcoholic, sex, porn addict who loved pleasure and did not like the religious upbringing he had making him feel guilty all the time. I mostly suffered in silence and could switch on the social butterfly part of me when it was needed.

You could say that I loved parties and when I was inebriated and the right song came on was when I was at my happiest. All the negativity will blow away and it was me, the dancefloor, my drink and the college co-ed I was eyeing. It’s a funny thing that although I can make decent conversation when sober, I was never good at meeting a random young lady and striking up a conversation unless some situation occurred that allowed me to talk to her. Met quite a few of the ladies I dated at the time at parties and in an altered state of having ethanol in my veins. At that age, I must have been the god of rum because I loved my Bacardi, parrot bay, Jamaican rum, etc. Yo ho ho! It’s a pirate’s life for me

Rum I would find out made me talk smooth but it was not the cure for depression, I had a minor episode after my first semester in NYC. I was sort of broke, didn’t like my grades and hadn’t been laid in a bit. Locked myself in my room, didn’t shower for days on end and survived on Chinese food take out. How did I get out of that funk? I honestly think somewhere halfway across the world my mother must have been praying hard for her boy, that and I had some pretty stand up friends already who when they hadn’t seen me for weeks and I wasn’t answering their calls decided to come drag me out of my room. Funny enough two of those guys are doctors now, one of medicine the other of physics.

A small band of friends really helped me out of the funk. Sometimes when I had mood swings I would say some harsh things. I got in a fight or two with some of them over shit that clearly was not important. I had a session with a therapist for a few weeks but in typical Nigerian fashion I stopped going once I felt better but in the long run I think it helped. So you see, the crazy in crazy Nigerian isn’t so crazy afterall.

Between the song above is the greatest Eminem song from his greatest album Marshall Mathers LP

Whats the point of this story? Depression is a real thing and many people deal with it in different ways. I know for a fact that whenever I thought of suicide, I thought of my parents, my extended family and friends and what it would do to them if I didn’t exist. That was my tether to reality. That and the network of friends I had around me. I cannot say I m no longer an alcoholic or sex addict (le addict is now le freak or le person with an above average libido) but at least I can say I overcame depression. Oh yeah and a big shout out to my homie the Nazarene aka Jesus aka Christ aka whatever deity guides my life dear lord don’t let me die tonight.


One thought on “The One Where I Was Depressed

    A. Bonrue said:
    September 14, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    I can so relate with this.
    Depression is real.

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