Let The Fluid Flow: Tales of a Drunken Master

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Started out with a sip
Ok I lie, more like a guzzle
Now here I am pumping away on the bed
With reckless abandon and aplomb
As she grips the sheets…
They say mind over matter
The mind of a tipsy man elucidates this point
For I did not let my kingdom come
For even though I am engrossed in her pleasure *wink*
my mind is in another realm
Insert suitable flashback here
You see tonight I was transformed
I walked into the booth Clark Kent and came out Superman
Thanks to my friends, beer, gin, vodka, whiskey, rum
And how can I forget my main man Alomo
Such a bitter man he is but quite the excellent wing man on a budget
Quite like the martial art of drunken fist
I am incapable of fun without my elixir
While others thirst for knowledge and spirituality
I thirst for the fluid of life, that potion sent down by the gods
*pours palm wine on the ground*
With every sip I lose my powers of awkward
And assume the powers of awesome
Whoever said cleanliness is next to godliness
Has never experienced the joys of the long island iced tea
Or the pleasures of some Jager bomb
This fluid of variable viscosity turns mortals to demigods
And ogres into beauty queens
If life is about perception then this drink is a game changer
Be it burkutu or palm wine or a glass of white wine
The fluid is a thing of beauty

Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is James and I am an alcoholic. *Waves to the reading public*. Dusts cobwebs. This is where I apologize for not writing in eons but I know that you know I am sorry. It’s not being so much having writer’s block than it has been a lack of inspiration, loads of distractions and procrastination galore. I think I became aware of having some sort of readership and then it became awkward to write because I wasn’t sure I would live up to what I felt were expectations people had of me. Yeah I am a chronic overthinker and self-sabotage a lot. Go figure. Perhaps a blog topic in Le future.

So the um “poem” or collection of lines above apart from showing that I am no Pablo Neruda, Langston Hughes, Keats, Shakespeare, Kipling, Soyinka (See I do know some poets) started out as a kind of joke and this is my first draft of what could be an ode to alcohol. Here goes my disclaimer, the above written tome is a work of a certain Sir Farouk and is in no way a reflection of reality and is entirely fiction, all friends and family of the said Farouk who happen to read this blog should desist from giving the young man advice or shall be found in contempt of the court of awesomeness and be guilty of artistic censorship.

Alcohol and its effects are a hell of a thing. You know I think it is the only drug that tends to have quite disastrous effects that has not been outlawed except in prohibition era America. I am a partaker in the drink occasionally ok maybe not occasionally (God is watching me) more like whenever the opportunity presents itself and I do not have pressing work to do and it’s a weekend. Some might call it social drinking, others might not. Totally up to you. I have been in the Niger Delta area of Nigeria for some months and boy do people know how to drink. I have seen young men finish bottles of whiskey and remain coherent. Although I guess they must have had an organ transplant because their liver must be made of steel!

In other news, people that say they don’t drink but drink Smirnoff ice or some other wine cooler. You are liars! If I had a naira for every lady I have met who has said that, I won’t be a millionaire but I would have a considerable amount of money. If you only drink a drink that has 5% alcohol which is the same amount of alcohol as a bottle of Star beer then dude/dudette you drink alcohol. Just because it is sweet doesn’t make it any less of an inebriant. You should just say, “I only drink *insert name of wine cooler*

Another thing I don’t buy is the alcohol made me do it cartel. Dude whatever you did, somewhere in your subconscious you wanted to do it. Let alcohol alone. If you did not want to do it, you should have drank less or not at all. That being said, alcohol does lower inhibitions and cause people to act irrationally but at the end of the day free will is free will. Alcohol should be taken in moderation if taken at all as it is the leading cause of motor accidents, unwanted babies and poor decisions.

In summary alcohol is a hell of a drug, so reading public. What are your experiences with the juice? What does the juice make you do?


7 thoughts on “Let The Fluid Flow: Tales of a Drunken Master

    Single Nigerian Man said:
    March 4, 2013 at 9:32 am

    *starts typing confession*
    *deletes and moves on*

    All you have typed here can and will be used against you Clark Farouk.
    And alcohol made me do it is quite acceptable in a court of ehmmm law? Nice poem though 😉

      Sir Farouk responded:
      March 4, 2013 at 9:43 am

      What confession? I thought you were off the sauce?! Hahaha, Lets drink to that.

      All written here cant be used against me because I m all lawyered up!

    lordsofthedrinks said:
    March 4, 2013 at 9:40 am
    aidee said:
    March 5, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Two days of hangover, and a very terrible bout of depression. Never again will I drink alcohol (so my fingers type)

      Sir Farouk responded:
      March 6, 2013 at 3:20 am

      So you’re a teetotaler now? Kudos to you. I ve had memory loss, blackouts, hangovers dont go past 12 hours for me or one day. Alcohol can be so evil sometimes, lol

    aidee said:
    March 10, 2013 at 8:28 am

    a confirmed ‘teeto’ I am now.

    Peaches said:
    March 19, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    First time here and I’m currently nursing a terrible hangover thanks to St. Patty’s day. Coincidence or my liver asking for deliverance? :s

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