The Long Road to Excretion

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At this moment in time he really wished time would stand still. Here he was standing on a moving bus and he had just shit in his pants. Oh how sweet it would be if the ground opened up and swallowed him up. He could feel the moist slurry move slowly down the inside of his pants or trousers as some folks call it.

What had caused the young man to shit all over himself, was he unduly startled by something? Did Freddy Kreuger suddenly appear in the bus and disembowel one of his fellow travelers? Nope not at all. The young man was a victim of the Nigerian Road Trip.

That day started like any other. Well any other day in August, it had just rained and the young man and his merry band had decided to partake in a long arduous trip from the northern part of the country to the deep south. The fabled lands of the militants in all it associated exoticism. An 8 hour journey or so they had been told by the commercial bus driver. They had packed a breakfast gotten from one of the eateries around.

On embarking on the trip, about an hour in to be precise they decided to share the breakfast package. The young man in question opened the package and saw a piece of gizzard, spring roll, meatpie and a juice pack. He gobbled down the make shift break with much alacrity unaware of the purge to follow for he had decided against eating anything that morning at home.

They reached the scheduled bathroom stop. The chemical reactions in the young man’s stomach had yet to become a nuclear and tectonic catastrophe and so the young man did not take opportunity of the bathroom stop.

As drove on, they got to a section of the road that was full of potholes. So full of potholes that you would think that the country had just come out of a war and the road network had been bombarded by the enemy’s forces. The potholes served as a catalyst to the reaction in his stomach.

At first he tried to stifle the urge to poop. He shifted left and right uncomfortably in his seat and would occasionally release a puff of gas and the cramped bus would be saturated by the pungent smell of what the other occupants were sure to mistake for a chemical or perhaps biological attack. Of course in true sociopath fashion the culprit would join the masses and point an accusing finger at another fellow, the slightly pudgy young man who consumed 4 boiled eggs at the bathroom stop and was sweating profusely.

Shortly after wronging accusing another fellow of farting, destiny or maybe karma intervened and they encountered yet another deep pothole on the road and the instantaneous shock of it made the young man release a little excrement and as they say once the flood gates are open it is hard to close them back up. He clenched his butt cheeks to no avail. Noticing the semisolid moistness, the young man rushed to driver and pleaded with him to stop.

The driver of course decided to waste time by saying it wasn’t company policy to stop apart from the scheduled stop and that he had to call his bosses to ask permission to stop the bus. Tsk tsk. Poor young man couldn’t wait for the confirmation and of course his system had reached critical mass, his sphincter failed woefully and he let it rip down his jeans. When the smell became evident, the driver had to stop his silly phone call and let the young man out to complete the business.

The young man rushed out bent over on the side of the road and let it rip. Morale of the story, sh*t happens…


2 thoughts on “The Long Road to Excretion

    gerigtg said:
    December 4, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Lol gross. 😦
    I remember a trip to Lagos from Owerri. I ate NOTHING the whole way. I wasn’t taking any chances of anything going awry.

    bismarkrebranded said:
    April 22, 2016 at 11:52 am

    I love this article! So funny. Follow my blog; or Facebook Bismark Ekenedilichukwu Benson.

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