What do Chemistry, Chemical Bonding Have in Common with Relationships?

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chemical bonds

HRH the Prince of ambiguity, all round mess, occasional good guy and 3 time winner of the Mr Awkward awards aka me, myself and I has not written in almost two weeks. You know how they say one day in the sight of God is like a 1000 years to man? Well not writing in two weeks is like forever. Wait, what? What did he mean by that statement says the pious hyper-religious person reading this blog, did he just blaspheme? *Sends bat signal for the blasphemy police to come and issue a fatwa or whatever the Christian equivalent is.* That being said, I haven’t written in the aforementioned period of time because I have been busy (duh!), there has been some sort of writer’s block (heck the amount of blocks I have can build a skyscraper, no? bad analogy? Boo hoo!) and most importantly my country Nigeria has been keeping me pretty depressed. *Observes moment of silence for the tomfoolery and seeming hopelessness that characterizes being a Nigerian.*

“Oh the humanity!” I am quite the drama king, aint I? So after much preamble, I was studying for what can be best described as an A-level test in chemistry and had a eureka moment (Yes I was naked and running down the street shouting Eureka! Don’t hate, I m sexy and I know it! *wiggle wiggle.*) Here I go…

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Nobel Society I would like to present my theory for your scrutiny and consideration for the Nobel Prize in douchebaggery and related fuckery. You see my distinguished colleagues, I have discovered that relationships and opposite sex quantum mechanics as well as sexual titrations, organic kama sutra, boy-girl stoichiometry, happiness equilibrium and related kinetics can be related and explained by the atomic structure, orbitals, hybridization and the types of chemical bonds that exist. The focus of this treatise shall be on the chemical bonds that exist between a male and female.

Ah I see that I have intrigued you? No? Yes? Maybe? Have I titillated you mental faculties and gently stroked , touched and massaged it to the point of intellectual orgasm and then withdrawn my stimulus? I guess I am a cranial tease with sadistic tendencies or so my psychologist says. *shrug* If you look at it another way, I am the mental catalyst that stimulates intelligent thought about mundane matters.

We know that majorly there are 4 types of bonds that exist between atoms, molecules and the like. They are ionic, covalent, metallic bonds and van der waals forces. Ionic bonds exist in situations where one atom gives off an electron or electrons thereby becoming positive while another atom receives the electron becoming negative. The bond exists by virtue of an attraction of oppositely charged ions. Covalent bonds are cases were two atoms both give an amount of electrons to the union and share them equally. Metallic bonds occur between two metals where the electrons are left to roam free between the two atoms, this accounts for the conductivity of metals. Then we have van der waals forces which occur when there is an uneven distribution of electrons in a molecule leading it to form weak bonds with neighboring molecules.

In relationships ionic bonds are the type of relationships where the two participants have what can be described as opposite personalities but yet they find a way to make things work. Most often in such situations one partner is giving out or up a part of them knowingly or subconsciously to the other person. This brings a level of attraction between the two parties and is a fairly strong bond which is occasioned by sparks and explosive sexual escapades. You see ionic molecules when dipped in water to form a solution they become electrolytes and hence can conduct electricity. The attraction and sexual chemistry between the two partners is not apparent from the get go but when an external factor which is the water and conductors are in play, these two people might have as well written the kama sutra. This bond can be broken when another atom of a stronger electropositivity or electronegativity is introduced into the equation thereby luring one luring one member away from the other

The covalent bond is more often than not the strongest of the bonds. It is the one where both parties bring something to the relationship and hence share with each other. It is the ideal relationship. It is the one where there is a give and take in their daily routine. The bedroom antics are characterized by the same principle, if I get off first I will try and get my partner off too to the best of my ability. This grouping might not be explosive in the sack but this is the group that has a longer staying power. These are the people in a long term committed relationship. In this type of bonding, two atoms of the same type can form a covalent bond such as Oxygen, O2. This means that people of the same personality can form strong bonds and relationships. This doesn’t mean that different personalities cant, water, H2O is a great example. This bond also accounts for the divorce law in many western countries where splitting partners share what they came into the relationship with. When a covalent bond breaks, each atom takes what it brought into the bond.

The metallic bond is characterized by floating electrons between two atoms without much of a defined structure. This is akin to the open relationship. This is the relationship where the man or woman’s “electrons” are always roaming around yet they are in a bond with their partner. The metallic bond like the name entails accounts for some of the properties of metals. The open relationship like a metal can be strong (you just keep coming back to the person no matter how many times you stray), ductile (partners bend over backwards figuratively and literally to please their paramour), conducts electricity (some open relationships can have so many sparks flying and get to a serious level of freakiness, picture peanut butter on the place which must not be mentioned and a French baguette in the other…) yet it can melt under intense heat (on the long run it rarely holds up).

The van der waals forces type of bond is the relationship of convenience. The van der waals forces are weak bonds between molecules formed because of an uneven distribution of electrons. Relationships like this are often predicated based on certain factors, it could range from an uneven distribution of money leading one partner to seek the other to even up (ashawo, runs girls, runs boys, sugar boys etc), an uneven distribution of affection (you didn’t get hugged enough as a child and due to low self-esteem form bonds with ladies or men you shouldn’t), an uneven distribution of the opposite sex (ahem, looks at those who went to all-girls or all-boys schools and decided to experiment but will swear they aren’t gay or those who settle for people who they shouldn’t because there isn’t enough of the type of partner they want), an uneven distribution of sex (aka the konji principle, oi you, are you gonna bang?)

Long winded as it may be, I can go on. The full thesis will deal with molecules and how the shape of the atoms and orbitals as well as the roles of limiting reagents as well as catalysts in the chemical reactions of relationship.
And the crowd goes wild. They hand Sir Farouk the Nobel Prize for foolishness and he invites Rick Ross to do an honorary grunt.

So folk, I don’t even know what to ask you, yay? Nay? Or hell nay? Maybe? I would like to hear thoughts, criticisms, rebuttals, law suits, libel and so on… . What else do chemistry and relationships share Use the comment box!


17 thoughts on “What do Chemistry, Chemical Bonding Have in Common with Relationships?

    AJ McSedge (@TheRustGeek) said:
    October 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Now if only we could get real life application problems with model solutions based on these theories……

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm

      Oga that is a serious assignment o, a book might be in order

    worshipandswag said:
    October 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Leave it to you to correlate relationships and chemical bonding! Lol it makes sense, although I was lost for half a second while reading your “theory.” Haha, good one! 😀

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 14, 2012 at 4:40 am

      Thanks! :). Abeg dont be lost o. I might have to send search party

    Geri said:
    October 14, 2012 at 12:19 am

    ^ ^ I know right?

    SMH at that entire intro. So dramatical. lol.

    I’m mad at you Sir F. Mad that you really discussed covalent and ionic bonds in terms of relationships, and extra mad that I actually followed along and nodded my head in agreement a couple of times.

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 14, 2012 at 5:26 am

      You are mad that you actually liked it, lol. Perhaps I should make you mad more often 😉

    mllexbonrue said:
    October 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm


    I wish it were this easy-peasy in real life though…Like some human bonds that seem “Metallic” and wont melt under the most intense heat…or the human van der waals bonds that last forever even though we all see the cracks and wonder why…If only it were this….clear.

    Felt good studying chemical bonding like this lol If my chemistry teacher had taught it like this, I prolly woulda grasped faster lol

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 17, 2012 at 5:38 am

      Lol. I agree with you, writing this actually helped me pas my chemistry test by the way. Although. I feel this analogy could go way deeper than this.

    Ms. Ola Blessed said:
    October 19, 2012 at 2:57 am

    Ah Ah, na wow ohhh. You’re a great writer and You’re into science too? walahi, i think I’m in love… will you be my metallically bonded blogging boyfriend?!

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 23, 2012 at 5:54 am

      Thanks Ms Blessed :). I m open for metallic blog bonding. Me + you = Greatness.

    Kiah said:
    October 19, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    na wetin be this na…i dropped chemistry in SS2 biko!

    loved the post still !

      Sir Farouk responded:
      October 23, 2012 at 6:51 am

      Thank you thank you, you’re far too kind

    Adey said:
    October 31, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Haha…studied Chemistry A’Levels…..this would’ve been a handy way to remember the different bonds!! lol

    Great write up!

    Nma aka Nazzy said:
    November 27, 2012 at 11:47 am

    The intro is something… Nice one! *Laughs*

    M'unique said:
    April 12, 2013 at 4:20 am

    Dear Sir Farouk,
    In my next life,pls can u b my Chemistry teacher? *batts lashes*
    Coz therez no doubt i’ll av been a stellar science student if i was thought Chemistry dis way.

      M'unique said:
      April 12, 2013 at 4:40 am

      oh boy! stellar gbagaun!
      *palms face*

      Sir Farouk responded:
      April 14, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      Lol! Make it physics and its a deal 🙂

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