The Konji Principle

First of all to understand what the Konji principle is you have to understand what Konji is. Konji (sp?) is a Nigerian slang that basically describes a drought of sexual satisfaction. In other words, your pistol is loaded., your jibby hasn’t been serviced, your black snake hasn’t moaned, your valve is under pressure etc. Take your pick of a suitable euphemism. You have? Okay insert it appropriately.

If you have read this blog, you might see that I m pretty political most of the time but you know what today I said fudge it, I m going to write about Konji. Strokes appropriately. Also, with all the bombing and flooding going on, it is a pretty bleak time for us in Nigeria so I figured I would do something different. As the great observer I am, I feel that since I am yet to find and define the unified field theory (basically a theory that explains everything in physics/the universe), It is my duty to contribute something to humanity hence the Konji Principle.

What is the Konji Principle? The Konji Principle states that

“For every male heterosexual experiencing a protracted period of drought, better known as konji his judgement lapses and as a result he is susceptible to the charms of any wowo (not so hot) babe and is likely to act in ways detrimental to his physical, mental and emotional well being.”

This principle is similar to hooke’s law of elasticity. For those unfamiliar with Hookes Law, I ll try remember. I believe hookes law states that for a spring within its elastic limit the deformation of the spring is proportional to the force applied on the spring or something like that. If we bring this to the Konji Principle, I believe there is a Konji limit. The Konji Limit is the amount of Konji one can endure before one lowers his standards and thought patterns as it regards the other sex or sex he finds attractive (homosexuals?). Basically it is how long you can go without sex. The factors that determine this Konji limit could be personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature, cultural norms etc. Sorry if I m framing most of my definitions from a male angle, I don’t know the female equivalent or if they function the same way, More study is needed.

What brought the whole Konji thing to my attention? I am going to say HIV/AIDs statistics and the prevalence of ashewos/runs girls in our society. Notice how I put ashewos and runs girls in the same category. For the Nigerianly uneducated ashewos are what you call hookers, I believe it’s a Yoruba word actually maybe not cos Owo is Yoruba. In hausa we call them karuwai. Runs girls on the other hands are basically hookers who give the girlfriend experience, they go out/sleep with men for money or gifts or apartments etc while also keeping other guys (the theme of many Nigerian movies starring Tonto Dike). To be gender balanced, there are male ashewos. If you poke your stick in anything that moves you qualify. If you are a guy or girl and this is your thing, no shame in your game. Own it. After all some of these people have reasons why they engage in such “activities”.

The factors I mentioned earlier such as personal values, religion, upbringing/nurture, nature and cultural norms help in curtailing the harmful effects of konji. On the flip sides there are things that accelerate konji such as alcohol, weed etc You are probably thinking, what are the harmful effects of konji? Well if we rephrase my analogy with hooke’s law a bit you will notice that there is an elastic limit and eventually there is a breaking point. Lets take it that beyond the elastic limit, men will engage in excessive masturbation and might still be a little guarded about their sexual escapades. Eventually like in a spring too much deformation leads to a yield point which is a point where small deformation results in large displacement of the spring. In our konji analogy, this is a point where the man moves from excessive masturbation to somewhat indiscriminate sexual activities. Beyond the yield point is the breaking point. It is at this breaking point that he beds anything that moves with no thought of the repercussions. Unfortunately for him there are repercussions.

The harmful side of the Konji Principle is that it could lead to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, low self esteem, getting with people far below your standard (whatever that is), Herpes, the clap, HIV/AIDS, disappointing God/Allah (if you are religious that way), go to hell, get reincarnated as a cockroach, disappointing yourself and loved ones amongst other side effects. All in all, Konji na bastard. If you must kpansh/straf (Nigerian word for doing the horizontal bedroom dance) use a jibby cover (condom), otherwise practice abstinence (konji management through zen principles). See what I did there, you thought this was going to be an ignorant post, bet some of you didn’t even read through to the end to see that it was actually a safety warning to people practicing sexual polygamy.

There is a bible quote that says, “As a man thinketh so shall he be”. Konji is all in your head or lower head in the case of men, you know what I mean. It is imperative for your physical, sexual, emotional and mental safety that you don’t let Konji be the focal point of your life. Think with your head not your lower head. Cheers.

I leave you with spiritual konji. Go forth and spread the principle!